Christmas Day

I hope and pray that all of you had a blessed and safe Christmas. Mine was very good. It is always a good day in my house when we can open up the Word of God and read of His Grace, Love and Mercy.

This year was much different than past Christmas’s. Since I have a paper route I had to deliver it before any Christmas festivities could happen. I was fortunate to have the help of my daughter. It was a lot of fun to have her with me. I don’t get much father-daughter alone time with her so this was a cherished time for me. Before I start to tell you about the fun we had, just know this, she is her mother’s daughter. If you have been following this blog at all over the past month or so you will understand this comment. If you are new to this blog then do your heart some good and read some of the early blogs when Suzi was doing the route with me.

The route actually started earlier than normal because it was Christmas. For Christmas the papers are off the press by 8:30 pm, this meant we could deliver them anytime after that. It seemed kind of odd to me that you could deliver the Christmas paper on Christmas Eve, but I’m not one to complain about such petty things. I figured I would go in at about 10:30 pm and fold the papers and be done with my route around midnight. This was a special thing to me, because it meant that I could get 8 consecutive hours of sleep. On our way home from celebrating Christmas with my parents Corrine asked if she could go with me. As I contemplated my 8 consecutive hours of sleep, I thought about how much more time I would have with her. You see she is a junior in High School and will be off to college in a couple of years so I told her she could come. She was quite the trooper too; she came in a folded the papers as well as delivered them with me. Now up to now some of you might be thinking “enough of the sappy dad stuff. Where is the funny stuff? You said she was her mother’s daughter.” Well the funny stuff started once we left the warehouse. When we started she was trying to figure out how to throw the paper. No big deal I thought, just tell her it’s like throwing a Frisbee. Well after a couple of papers in the gutter (Note: when I drive I am almost on top of the gutter, so when you throw it in the gutter this constitutes a throw of about 6” to 1’ in distance) and a period of traveling at 2-4mph (Note: remember I like to drive like a NASCAR driver when I am delivering) I decided that a new course of action was needed. From here I started to show her by example. Things got much better until…..she threw the paper and didn’t let go of the bag. This was hilarious for three reasons. Reason one, the paper came out of the bag and went into a million directions. Newspaper all over the place! If that wasn’t bad enough (reason two) the customer was still up and saw the whole thing. I cleaned up every bit of flung paper out of their driveway under their careful watch and gave them a new one in tact. I do believe reason three though is the coup de grace. She then told me, once I got back into the car, that even though she had the plastic bag in her hand that she let go of the paper. She was truly puzzled and perplexed at the fact that when you hang on to the plastic bag the paper comes out all by itself. She then insisted that she let go of the bag. I tried to explain to her the simple physiological fact that when she let’s go of the bag it leaves. It does not stay in your hand. So for the remainder of the route she tried to justify what had happened. Now let me rewind a little so that I can preface the next funny thing that happened that night. When I go out most mornings it’s probably in the 30’s and the cold weather is such that I need to wear a beanie cap and gloves. You know 30 degrees at 15-20 mph can be pretty cold. Well this night it was probably in the upper 40’s so I saw no reason to wear my beanie or my gloves so I put them on the console between Corrine and I. OK now let’s get back to where I left off. Corrine and I were done for the night and had just pulled into the garage when I realized that I only had one glove in the car. I know I distinctly remember bring two in and even Corinne agreed. Well as she and I went through the car and the night we realized that she must have thrown it out of the car with one of the papers. I couldn’t believe it! She had thrown one of gloves with a newspaper. All I could think of was that I wished I would have known we were giving out presents while on the route, because I would have given that customer both gloves. I mean other the Michael Jackson everyone wears two gloves. What a way to end the night. Now back home at 1:00 am and being pretty much wide awake due to the thought of flying papers and someone picking up their paper and finding my glove with it, I had to slow myself down so that I could get maybe 6-7 consecutive hours of sleep. Well I enjoyed myself just the same and I would not trade it for anything.

Now stay tuned for more adventures with Corrine. This time I will be taking a few of her friends with me. That should be good enough to provide me with at least two blogs worth of material. See ya then!

Oops I Forgot One



I don't know how I could have forgot this one, but here ya go. Remember awhile back I was wondering where I would go to the bathroom if there was an emergency while I was on the route. Well I found this a well lit Andy Gump. No worries now! Y'all have a Merry Christmas!

Christmas Pics from my Route

(click on the pictures to get a larger image)

A while back I wrote about a Christmas treet in the midddle of a cul-de-sac adn how I almost hit it. Well this is the street and the tree taht is just beyond the car is the tree I almost hit.



A better look at the tree I almost hit. Looks kinda cool, but in the middle of the street! Man what will they think of next?



This pic has come Peanuts characters on the roof of one of the homes I deliver to.

All I can say is Ginormous electric bill. How would you like to be this guys neighbor? I can see it now..."Honey is it night time yet?" "Why yes hun' it is." "Then whats that glow?" "Ohhhh, that's just Bob's Christmas lights."



This one was actually quite cool. The fishing pole that the bear has really moved up and down. It was like he was really trying to catch fish in the lights on the lawn.



I had to put one deep theological pic in here. Santa kneeling in front of the manger. I believe you can find this in either the Gospel According to Judas or Thomas. I can't remember which one.




One of my streets even changed it's name to Reindeer Road.


Well that's all the pictures from my route or rather all the pics I choose to post. I hope and pray you all have a Merry Christmas and stay safe.

Christmas Cards

Well last Monday when I went into the warehouse to fold my papers, one of the paperboys said he had to talk to me. Man I was thinking I messed up or something. I was trying to think what I could have done to make another paperboy mad. Well it wasn’t anything like that. He told me that some of the veteran paperboys put Christmas cards in their Saturday papers. He told me that one year when he did this he received $1000 in cash and gift cards. There was one catch though, I had to say Happy Holiday’s instead of Merry Christmas. Now I’m not a closet Christian so this was kind of a dilemma, but after working this out with Suzi and not wanting to cast a bad shadow on my employer I realized that if I were to do this Happy Holiday’s was the way to go.

Well needless to say delusions of a $1000 in Christmas gifts seduced me into putting the cards in last Saturday’s paper. Well on Saturday while inserting the cards into my papers that same paperboy comes back and looks at my Christmas cards and compliments me on how good they look, but at the same time I can see that he is somewhat trying to appease me. So, I asked him “what was the matter, did I have a typo on my cards?” He said “no” and then proceeded to tell me that my computer generated cards on regular bond paper were to fancy. I guess my mistake was that I used color printing and I actually used graphics. He told me that I they should have been in black and white, with no graphics and that I should have made them look as poor as I could. To this paperboy if his customers believed that he needed the money they would be more giving. This concept was foreign to me. In fact I must confess the whole Christmas card thing felt kind of weird to me. I mean I sent out 335 Christmas cards to people I don’t even know and to top it off it was like I was saying “give me a Christmas gift or I’ll start throwing your paper in the gutter and on the roof”. That thought changed on Tuesday when I received a total of $40 from two customers. As of this morning I already had $100 in money and gift cards. Amazing! Man, I think I like this whole Christmas card thing. Hey do you thing I could get away with a Groundhog Day card?

Needing Tommy John Surgery

After the Holidays I am beginning to believe I am going to need Tommy John surgery. The newspapers appear and feel like they are getting much heavier. After Thanksgiving weekend I felt like I had thrown at least the equivalent of a ton in paper weight. My arm took the whole following week to recover. That was until the following Sunday when all the retailers decided to have 10 page inserts in the paper. Now this week almost every paper has had some type of newspaper insert. I kind of get the feeling that as we get closer to Christmas the paper size will go from big and heavy to massive and heavier. And don’t even remind me of the post Christmas sales. By the time this season is over my right arm will be twice the size of my left arm. If I were doing some type of weight training I would try to buy a European car that has the steering wheel on the right side of the car so that I could work my left arm a little more. So if you see me and I am leaning a little more to my right side it’s because the muscles in my right arm are getting disproportionately bigger than my left arm. Just this week though I had a thought, no an invention, for a newspaper boy, person, whatever. In order to combat this disproportionate arm problem I thought about creating some type of mechanical devise to attach to your car that throws the papers for you. So here’s what I came up with. This is cool, I ran it by my friend Shaycam and he thought this was cool too. I am going to take a skeet shooting sling and attach it to my car. Cool huh? I’d have to modify the carriage to hold a newspaper instead of a clay pigeon, but that’s a mere minor adjustment. The one thing I’m having a problem with though is the rate of speed that the sling produces. If I left the device the way it is it would put the paper either in their backyards or through their garages. Hey…..that might not be a bad idea though. Picture this as a selling, I mean delivering, point. You offer people the option of having the paper land directly on their table. You see you tell them that when they wake up in the morning the paper would already in the house. What’s that you say? What about the hole in the house? Minor details that I will have to work through. Inventors never think negatively, but then again I’ve never invented anything. So……….more than likely this will never come to fruition. It was just fun thinking of it though. I mean wouldn’t it be cool to have some type of throwing device like that? Well ok enough dreaming about what could be. It’s time to go to the gym to work out my left arm. You didn’t really expect me to be lopsided did you?

Tis’ the Season

I know I haven’t written in almost a month, but I went through a real tired spell. I don’t know about you, but when I get tired my creativity and drive goes. So let’s catch you up on some things that have happened over the past month. Up to Thanksgiving the route was fairly boring. You know the feeling, its 3:00 am, no one is out and about and you just keep throwing papers to the same houses day after day. But then Thanksgiving weekend came. Now I don’t know what it’s like where you are but here in the SCV it’s a game of “bigger and better” when it comes to Christmas lights and the ornamentation of the front yard. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I started to see Scissor Lifts and other lifts so that the people in the neighborhoods I deliver to could decorate their light standards and in a lot of cases they string lights across the streets. My wife and I do plan in the next few weeks to visit these streets at night when they are all lit so that I can take pictures to shop you what it looks like. So that day was a bit challenging from a driving stand point, but by Sunday most of the lights were up and the heavy equipment gone. I kinda felt like Charlie Brown in his Christmas special when he says “Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?” There is also a saying the Lucy makes in this cartoon that is fitting for these streets. She says “Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.”

Anyways……the day after Thanksgiving was fun. It was dodge the crazy people morning. It’s funny how people react to the sales that are out there. When Wal-Mart and Best Buy are having big sales people get up at the craziest hours. So at 3:00 am the streets looked like they do at 7:00 am with one exception. That exception is that half the people were half, or more, asleep and the other half though that since it was 3:00 am I must be the only one this crazy. Well WRONG! You almost killed the paperboy about a hundred times. These people were driving around so crazy that it reminded me of ……….well……….of me on every other morning when they’re not up. That was an experience that I would choose not to experience again.

The last thing I’ll tell you about is the Christmas tree I almost ran into. Yes I almost ran into a Christmas tree. No I did not fall asleep at the wheel and suddenly find myself in someone’s yard heading for their living room. The tree was in the middle of the street on a cul-de-sac. The Saturday after Thanksgiving I was doing my normal stuff…..you know…..singing Christmas songs along with the radio (thank goodness it’s just me at 3 am) looking at my route list and checking my papers when I looked up and wham-o there it was, a tree in the middle of the street. Boy I hit the brakes so hard and fortunately stopped short of it. Now I could just see explaining to my boss at the newspaper that I nailed someone’s Christmas tree and no it wasn’t in their house. How embarrassing would that be? Well I will get a picture of this for you to see to. My wife has informed me that this has become quite popular, so I guess I better watch for more trees popping up in the middle of the road all of a sudden.

I do know one thing though, and that is that I am very thankful that the Lord has watched over me in this time. I am thankful that He has sustained me and that if it were up to me I’d still be in bed. But the thing I am most thankful for right now is that my Bruins, by the grace of God (and believe me it was the grace of God), beat the Trojans. Nothing has made this time more joyous than watching all those USC fans wallow in the pain that my lowly Bruins killed their National Title chances.

Thoughts for the Day

This morning as I cruised around the SCV I was doing some thinking. The first thing I was thinking about came about as my stomach started to bother me a little bit and that is, “What do I do if I have to go to the bathroom?” This really is a dilemma because at 3:00 am in the SCV not much is open and that which is open does not offer public restrooms. I know some of you smart guys out there are thinking “What about a gas station?” Well where I deliver papers there isn’t much in the way of gas stations and the one that is up where I am doesn’t open until 6:00 am. Bummer! I also thought about the two markets up where I am and surprisingly enough they also open at 6:00 am. Drats! So what about a park, right? Wrong! Two parks and they attach to elementary schools and therefore they do not have public restrooms. I guess due to some really smart architects thinking they left the restrooms off because of the restrooms in the school. Well that’s fine and all, but they lock up the school. Smooth Move Slick! So now what?!? Drive home? NOT! I will have to make a friend on my route; you know hang out in the neighborhood, become friends with someone on the route and then ask them to leave a key under their mat so I can use their restroom in case of an emergency. The only part that makes this hard is the fact that I don’t get home from work until 7:00 pm. I know what I can do; I will take my kids up there and have them make friends…… no that won’t work. Well anyways I guess I’ll figure it out. Until then I guess the Depends will have to do.

The other thing I was thinking about was about Goofy. Is he a dog or a horse? No that was my dream last night, sorry. What was I thinking about? Oh yeah I remember it had to do with my sleep. I figured a way to convince myself that I am getting a good amount of sleep. Instead of thinking of it as 4 ½ hours at night and an hour here and there, I calculate it weekly. So now I see myself getting 42 hours of sleep a week. See that’s 6 hours a day. Funny how math works that way. So regardless of the fact that I get most of my sleep on Saturday and Sunday, it still looks good on paper. Boy I feel more awake already! Oh wait maybe that’s my Mountain Dew.

The Day After

Well driving around the morning after Halloween was truly an experience I will not soon forget. Pumpkins smashed everywhere, trash all throughout the streets and remnants of the previous night’s parties. I even saw three 5^th or 6^th Graders out playing in the middle of the street and yes it was 3:00 am. When I was driving around I felt like I was driving in an obstacle course. The last thing I wanted was pumpkin junk on Lisa’s car. So now we get to see how long it takes to take down the Halloween stuff. Is it like Christmas? You know the houses I’m talking about. The ones that come Easter they barely have animated figures put away and then by the 4^th of July all the lights might be down. And in case you are wondering, yes there are Halloween lights. Boy I’m glad that day is over with. Now I can down the dark streets on my route without the worry of being freaked out. Suzi will be happy, no more nightmares, phew. So now it’s on to Thanksgiving! And then Christmas! By the way……… 52 days until Christmas.

On the Wild Kingdom front…… (man do I wish I had sound on this blog. I’d want to insert that breaking news sound. You know the old ticker sound) I saw 2 big, no monster size raccoons this morning in someone’s garage. I scared them as the lights from the car hit them and they ran away. That was good for the person who’s garage was ravaged by these things, but bad for me. Why bad for me? Because they ran to the yard of the house I was going to. They ran half way up a tree in the front yard of a house that I had to put the paper on the porch of. Now up till now I had been afraid of fake witches and fake blood. Well I ran out of the car, threw the paper and ran back into the car. Man if one of those things would have so much as stuck it’s tongue (do raccoons have tongues?) out at me I think I would have wet my pants. That would have been bad! I can see trying to explain that one to Suzi. Even worse, what if those two ginormous animals would have attacked? I can see it now, “How were you hurt?”, “I was attacked by two raccoons while on my paper route”, (this would be where all the nurses break out in laughter) and then……“Sir, did you know you wet your pants?” Oh the humiliation! I do know this though, I would have to bribe Suzi so that the kids wouldn’t find out. And then there’s the blog, do you really think I would have said anything here? NOT!

Water Cooler Talk

The past few mornings have been quite funny at the warehouse. I have been able to hear some funny stories about the couriers and the things they do.Here are a few of them:

The first is about one of the current couriers and his quest for the perfect donut. Apparently one morning after he was done delivering his papers he had a hankering for a donut and wasn't familiar enough with the area he was in to know where a donut shop was. So, as he was driving home he saw a few police cars huddled together in a grocery market parking lot. He figured that if anyone was going to know where a good donut shop was they would. Well as the story goes he drove into the parking lot and drove up to the police officers, know remember it's around 3:00 am when he's doing this, and asked them where he could find a good donut shop that would be open at that time in the morning. Well this is where it get's pretty funny, and by the way I really felt for the guy because he was truly just looking for a good donut shop, the police officers came on over to his car and start questioning him about what he was doing up that early in the morning, how he got a couple of the dents in his car and finally they asked him if he had been drinking. He kept trying to tell them that he was really just looking for a donut shop and I guess this only aggrevated teh officers because he wasn't answering their questions. Well after getting the third degree he left still not knowing where a donut shop was. Poor guy!

The second story is about a guy that used to drive his route in a raised 4x4 pick up truck. You know the type, they're 9 feet in the air and the tires are as tall as you. The guys talking about this said he was spending almost half his check in gas, but that didn't stop him. Well one day he was doing his route with his five year old daughter when he hit a parked car. Well if you drive a car and you hit a car you know the point of contact, right? Even if you drive a regular truck you would know when you hit another vehicle, right? Well when you drive a raised 4x4 this is the way it goes. He hit the car as he was going backwards to turn down a street he had missed. He hits the car and then continues to go up it until he realized that his truck was all the way up on the cars roof. Now I was thinking this guy must either be deaf, because you think he would have heard the crunch of the car he ran over, or he was so into talking to his daughter that he clued out. Well when he realized what he had done and came off the car, the car he ran over looked like something out of a monster truck show. Well needless to say he lost his job and had to pay what the insurance wouldn't cover to fix the car. Ironically his wife was the one that had to fire him.

Well these provided lessons for me and here is what I learned. I learned that no matter how hungary I am do not ask the police for their favorite early morning breakfast stops, this may cause a delay in you getting home and you will still be hungary when you get home. I also learned that you pay attention when you are driving so that you don't squash someone's car. Now with that said if Lisa's Honda Accord (the vehicle our room mate let's us use one the paper route) squashes another car, that car would have to be a Tonka or Hot Wheels car. I am so glad for those who go ahead of me so that I don't have to be the object of the lesson.

Trick or Treat?

When I was a kid I remember going trick or treating with my brothers every year. I remember it being a time in which I walked through my neighborhood seeing people my family knew and going to the doors of people we would truly call neighbors. My costume was usually that of a super hero or when my parents really couldn’t afford costumes we were ghosts (a simple bed sheet goes a long way). Some of you right now are wondering what in the Wide World of Sports does this have to do with the paper route. Well in speeding around the SCV the past few mornings I’ve been able to see where Halloween has gone from those days of innocence. I want to add a caveat before I start though. My family chose’s not to participate in Halloween. We in no way condemn those who chose to do so, but we feel, as a family, it’s not something we need to participate in. So with that said, in my best Jackie Gleason voice, “and away we go!”

WARNINING! WARNING! TOM’S PERSONAL OPINION COMING! WARNING!

The past few days I have seen some of the most macabre things in the front of people’s houses. On the mild side, I’ve seen cemeteries in people’s front yards with hands reaching out of the ground. I’ve seen scary jack-o-lanterns, cute and funny jack-o-lanterns and even a 3’ tall Snoopy dressed up in his Halloween outfit trick or treating. The Snoopy stuff is funny and I really have no problem with that stuff because it harkens back to those innocent days of my childhood. It’s the blood splattered windows with decapitated heads that get me. The person that probably has this in their front window is probably the same person who faints at the sight of his own blood. The people that decorate their house with dead bodies, blood, scary life like mannequins and such are probably the same people that when they read the article about the serial killer in their morning paper more than likely curse society as being wretched. Tell me something why is acceptable one day out of the year to praise the sick side of our society? Why in the wake of several school shootings do we feel the need to praise decapitation and murder? I just don’t get it. The way I see it Halloween has almost reached the decorating achievements of Christmas. I see people with orange and purple lights all over their houses. I’ve seen strobe affect lights in people’s front yards. I have even seen a 6’ tall life like witch in one person’s front yard. The first time I saw this one it kind of freaked me out, because it is on a street that isn’t that well lit. The first thing you see as you come down the street is this 6’ tall shadow over a caldron. Nothing is scarier at 3:00 am than a 6’ shadow as your driving down the street. Well I’ll get off my soap box now.

On a funny, scary note, (I know, I know, after all that I’m going to say something funny scary?) I was delivering papers the other morning, like I’d be doing something else at 3:00 am, and one of my fabulous customers was out smoking a cigarette. So, I thought I would be nice and hand deliver the paper to her. Remember the word “her”. Also remember its 3:00 am and I have a beanie cap on and am sporting my best homeless look. As I get out of the car to hand her the paper she, no joking, turns and runs into the house. As she runs in I can hear her shaking hand locking the dead bolt and the other locks she had. Just what I wanted to do, scare one of my customers to near death at 3:00 am. I felt like yelling “Sorry! Just the paperboy here!”, but I think that I would have done that the neighbors would have had a lynching. So the rest of my route I was worried that at some point the sheriffs would come get me for scaring her or even worse she would complain to my employer. I told Suzi later that I was afraid that I would be calling her at 5:00 am to come bail me out of jail. Wow! Was that a scary moment. Hopefully that will never happen again.

Oh, Ooooo…The Radio, Oh, Ooooo…

This morning on the route I was experimenting with the radio to see if I could get in any music station that didn’t have a lot of commercials. Boy was this and experience! Normally I listen to CD’s or I‘ll listen to sports talk radio. Well I am beginning to get tired of sports talk radio due to the suggestive nature of the banter in between the sports updates. So, the first station I tried was the Christian station for Los Angeles and they had an infomercial. I came in on the middle of a conversation between two guys and this triple action liquid. A few minutes later, Libby from Tulsa called in and with her Okie accent she said, “I have had back pain and joint pains all my life. Can this help me?” One of the guys answered her with, “you mean to tell me I didn’t mention it’s ability to help with your back pain and with joint pain.” About this time I was screaming at the radio, “No Libby don’t do it! Don’t buy it!” After a few minutes of that realized there is a reason it’s on at 3:00 am and there is a reason that Libby from Tulsa is calling in. That reason would be summarized in PT Barnum’s quote, “A suckers born every minute”. Well after listening to that show I convinced that at 3:00 am two to three are born every minute and the mostly originate in the midwest and south. So after that display of a lack of discernment on my part I changed to another station where a gentleman was counseling another man about how divorce is not the answer. I found this interesting due to the fact that this was a secular station I was listening to. The host of the show told the man on the other side of the phone that he was asking the wrong question when it came to how do I go about getting a divorce and what are the grounds for divorce. The host to my amazement told this guy on the phone that the right question was, “did I give this marriage my all?” to which the man on the phone asked, “Do you think it’s wrong for me to beat my wife every now and then?” (I only wish I could make this stuff up). The host was greatly angered by this and then in a show of uncontrolled anger he proceeded to rail on this guy. My response you might ask, change the station. The next station was going to commercial and traffic update. Now my wheels started turning. What in the Wide World of Sports? Traffic!?!? At 3:15 am!?!? You’ve got to be kidding me! Well the traffic guy came on and said to my utter amazement, “thanks Larry, I’m over the 405 and it’s clear sailing all the way into Century City and I understand that the 5 is clear also.” “Wow”, I though to myself. No traffic at 3:15 am, I am sooooo surprised. NOT! So after hearing this I chose to do what any other rational person would do……… I put a CD in and finished my route. Well so much for the radio, but wait a minute maybe I can talk Suzi into XM radio. I’m sure she would agree that we need to pay $19.99 a month to get good music commercial free, especially when it’s for the paper route that I have for the purpose of paying off my debt. That seems rational to me. Think she’ll buy it? Me neither.

I Know Funny and …………

This morning as I cruised around the SCV delivering my papers I was thinking about what to blog about and I came to this conclusion, that without Suzi I am not a funny person. We are very much like Lucy and Ricky or Burns and Allen. So when I am without my Lucy I figured I would blog about the things I think of while I’m on my route. I know, I know, you are thinking “please no more Louis Armstrong”. Even though I cannot promise that I can tell you it will be all over the board. It may be religious, it may be whimsical or on rare occasions it may be funny. This will also help you to pray that something funny happens on Sundays when Suzi is with me. So here goes this new format of “The Paperboy Diaries”.

So this morning I was actually meditating on Matthew 28:19-20,"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." This passage seems to be used quite a bit when we send missionaries to the mission field, but I rarely hear it used in regards to the local body and the mission field that we have here at home. I just got to thinking about the word “disciple” and its meaning, “one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another”. I was just thinking about how most of Christians think that when they evangelize those they come into contact with, they think that the object is to get them to accept Christ as their Savior. Yes that is one of the aspects of evangelization, but if we are to equip them to, like the definition says, spread the doctrines (Gospel message) that we espouse then we must train them. That’s the part I think we often forget. It’s almost like we give them the Gospel message, the Lord in His Divine Grace saves them and then we feel like the work is done. NOT! The work has just begun! Look at verse 20 “teaching them to observe all that I commanded you”. We must teach them those things that we know to be true. If we are to be true missionaries to the world then we must help those around us in their Christian walk. We must help them get to a good church. We must help them to understand the implications of the Gospel message. We must come along side of them and disciple them. This is what the early church did. In today’s society of easy believism and the doctrine of tolerance we let people flounder in their faith, because we are afraid to infringe on “their” truth. We need to remember that there is only one truth and that is what we must teach those we bring to faith if Christ. That’s why verse 20 says “all that I commanded you”. We must, not if we feel like it, train those who are youthful in their faith the importance of daily meditation in the Word and the importance of hearing the Word taught. So, this morning I challenged myself to not only evangelize those around me, but to educate them and to disciple them too. Wow! What a glorious morning in the Lord! And to think all of that was going on in my head at 3:00am.

Throwing Papers with Louis Armstrong

On Sunday while delivering the papers with my wife, the radio played “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. I told Suzi that the last time that song came on I had this vision of myself throwing the papers to the lyrics of that song. At this point I must warn you we are going to a scary place, we are going inside of my head so that you can see the vision that came to me as I heard this song.

As Louis sang, “I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and you, And I think to myself what a wonderful world.” I was like delivering papers in Alaska or something because it was night time but the sun was out (I told you it was scary in here). Now this was like the perfect day too, because the birds were out chirping and then the next part of the song came, “I see skies of blue and clouds of white, The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night, And I think to myself what a wonderful world.” Now at this point it was like some corny 1940’s cartoon. As I’m throwing the papers, perfectly I might add, I’m looking at the clouds and just smiling. In retrospect I’m surprised the car isn’t driving itself and as I throw the paper with my right hand I put my left hand out so that one of those chirping birds can land on it. So now I come to the third stanza, “The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky, Are also on the faces of people going by, I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do, They're really saying I love you.” This is where my vision gets really weird because as I am throwing the newspaper I am shaking hands with my customers. Don’t ask me why at the same time I am shaking their hands I am throwing the paper because I don’t know. Personally if someone shook my hand and then proceeded to throw my paper instead of hand it to me I wouldn’t have a smile on my face. That’s another reason this is scary and now don’t forget they are shaking my hand and I’m throwing the paper and driving the car. So as we come to the final stanza “I hear babies crying, I watch them grow, They'll learn much more than I'll never know, And I think to myself what a wonderful world, Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.” At this point I am no longer in that corny cartoon, I’m in a musical. There are people dancing in the streets and throwing newspapers, and amazingly enough all the papers land exactly where they are supposed to. It was like some type of synchronized newspaper dance number. The only think missing was Fred Astaire and Danny Thomas. At this point the song ends and my vision fades to the reality that its pitch dark and I am still dodging bunnies. Well after that scary venture into my head I hope you understand why I believe my wife is the greatest and most understanding wife in the world.

Dear Diary………

Boy if that doesn’t sound weird. I feel like a 13 year old girl and my next sentence should be, “I saw Joey today and he is soooooo cute!” Anyways sorry for the long pause between blogs things were kind of slow in the humor section this week, but now I have some stuff to share and yes I am going to write it in a “true” diary format. Here we go………

Dear Diary,

Sunday was a rough day for my head. Suzi was hitting it with the newspaper as she grabbed them from the back seat. She claims it’s an accident, I think NOT! I knew those smart remarks on Saturday would come back to haunt me. Suzi also said something that is classic. My family has come to call the Suzi-ism’s because they are truly what makes her unique and endears her to me. So she’s throwing the paper and all of a sudden she does this double pump, gotta get rid of the paper like its on fire type of move, so I slam on the brakes and ask, “What in the Wide World of Sports was that?” to which she answers, “the paper wouldn’t let go of my hand!” Boy, I’ll take a few knocks in the head for that type of humor at 4:00 am.

Monday was like Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Animals galore. I love seeing Gods creation in the concrete jungle I call home. Saw some rabbits of course (almost hit a few, I swear they have it out for me), saw some coyotes, some mice (now I know what neighborhood not to move into), saw a few bats and heard a hawk looking for breakfast. I was singing “Circle of Life” and doing my best Elton John impersonation. It’s a good thing I’m by myself and that the windows in the Accord are safety glass.

Tuesday Kevin, the stunt man, joined me. It was a good time of fellowship. Yes, you can fellowship at 3:00 am. This made me remember a prayer I had a while back in regards to so many young men needing discipleship and the fact that I wished I had a few more hours to meet with some different guys. Well isn’t God funny, He gave me exactly what I asked for. By the way Kevin and I did set the land/newspaper speed record. For those of you in the SCV I’m sorry for that sonic boom. Man we were movin’.

Yesterday taught me a lesson about fixing the bag the newspapers are in while you’re throwing papers and driving. It’s not as bad as drinking and driving but it can have the same result. Let’s see, since Suzi is reading this what can I tell you that won’t get me in trouble………… Well it was a good thing I was driving the Saturn and not Lisa’s Accord for one thing. As I was turning and grabbing a paper while fixing another papers bag, I hit the curb due to my full attention not being on driving. Boy all of a sudden I’m wide awake and thinking to myself, “phew… it’s a good thing Suzi’s not here”. Then a few minutes later I almost do it again, I think the Lord was trying to tell me something. I believe somewhere between almost hitting a parked car and hitting another curb I finally decided to pay attention. Wow! What a morning.

Well the lesson learned this week was the lasting affect of my wife hitting me in the head on Sunday and it’s leading to my hitting curbs on Wednesday. Isn’t that amazing! Once again it’s not my fault. Man I feel better now. (P.S. See Genesis 3:12, same principle)

Are you a Playa’ or a Poser?

Over the past few weeks I have come to see paper “people”, I don’t want to offend those of the female persuasion who are throwing papers, come and go. Most of them show up the first day ready to go on the first day. The second day isn’t as good because they have actually seen the route and now know what’s ahead of them. By the end of the week they either are up to the challenge or are trying to figure out how to get out of this insane early morning job. By the end of the week most of us “real” paperboys and girls know who the playa’s are and who the poser’s are. So how can you the untrained paper recipient tell if your paperboy is a playa’ or a poser? Hopefully the following will help.

The marks of a “real” (playa’) paperboy deal with the way you look, from the way you dress to the car you drive. One true sign would be if you have a yellow safety light on your roof. If you are thinking safety first at 3:00 am and are thinking of the welfare of your fellow paperboy’s then you are a playa’. If your car lack’s a passenger’s seat so that you have the convenience of more room for your papers, you are a playa’. If your license plate cover or plate itself says anything about your early morning romp’s through the beautiful SCV then you are a playa’. If you think that your pajamas are good enough to wear to work because no one other then your fellow pajama wearing, paper throwing friends will see you, then you are a playa’. If you have more than one newspaper that you throw on your route, you’re a playa’. If you read the newspaper in a big, cold warehouse with a cup of coffee and think that’s quality time alone, you’re a playa’. If you count sleep by how much you get in a week as opposed to how much you get in a day, you are a playa’.

So now we’ll look at the marks of someone pretending to be a “real” paperboy (poser). If you show up to fold your papers ready for your “real” or “day” job, you my friend are a poser. To be a playa’ this must be your “real” job. If you are more worried about the way you look while you are throwing the paper (like someone of any significance is going to see you at 3:00 am), you are a poser. If you are more worried about the crease in the paper as you fold it than how fast you get it done, you are a poser. If you are not constantly timing yourself on your route to see if you will get a personal best time, you are a poser. If you aren’t changing your tires every 10,000 miles and getting new brakes every 5,000 miles due to your racing, I mean, driving style, you are a poser. Lastly if you are the only one that realizes that you are the insane one because you are up at 2:15 am, you are a poser. I hope that helps you as you judge weather or not you have a “real” paperboy.

Like Father Like Son, Part Duex

This morning was another great joy for me. I was able to take my youngest son on the paper rout with me. The past two days have been a lot of fun. It’s not many fathers’ that get to spend time with their sons at 3:00 am. I know, I know many of you can think of better times to meet with your kids, but as for me 3:00 am works. Plus there is the added bonus of the kids finding this experience as something unique. They were actually excited about getting up at 3:00 am. Well on with today’s follies. So, we start out with the line of the day. Coby told me before we started that he was only going so that he could see the bunny rabbits and the coyotes. He also thought it would be cool if we saw a coyote chasing a rabbit and catching it. Man I hope his mom doesn’t find out about this, she’ll freak! Now, being as I was with my youngest I thought I would take it easy on him at first by letting him only throw to the houses that had no cars in the driveway or the townhomes that had garage doors 2’ away from the car window. Well this proved to be a little bit on the difficult side, because every time I would throw to the other houses out his window I would thump Coby on his head. Now if I’m Coby I’m thinking to myself, “My dad gets me up at 3:00 am so that he can thump me on the head?” So I let him throw to a few more houses. Now this is where he starts throwing the paper in the bushes and on the grass and starts laughing because we have to stop and I have to go get the paper and throw it in the driveway. At least this only lasted for a while until he got the hang of throwing the paper. Once Coby got the hang of it, he would throw the paper and then watch it until it hit the ground. Now to most of you layman you might think what’s the big deal? Right? Well here’s the big deal, by the time that paper came out of the stratosphere and hits the ground I’m stopped at the next house waiting for him to throw the next paper. Now this goes on for the rest of the morning. I was laughing to myself because with every throw came his own personal critique of the throw. “Oh man!”, “Wow! Dad did you see that one?”, “Look at how far that one went!” and my favorite “At least I haven’t put it on top of a car like Caleb!” Well that last one was very true, but Coby did something Caleb didn’t do and that was put the newspaper in the bed of a pick up truck. Yes Coby threw his newspaper and Bam! in the back of a pick up truck. My first thought was to go get the paper, so I started to climb into the truck. As I did this I started to think of the car alarm going off and me standing in the bed of this truck. My imagination took me to police cars showing up and me trying to explain what I was doing in the back of the truck. This is the way I pictured the conversation going. “But officer I was just getting the newspaper out of the bed of the truck” and the officer would say, “and how did the paper get in the back of the truck?” and I would say, “my son threw it in” and the officer would say, “You mean the young man in the passenger seat of your car? What kind of father gets his child up at 3:00 am to deliver newspapers?” After all that I could see myself calling Suzi at 5:00 am to ask her if she could come get me out of jail. Boy wouldn’t that be fun? So I just gave them an additional paper and left the one in the bed right there. Someday the owner of that truck will find it and wonder what in the wide world of sports happened. Overall what a joyous time with my boys, next up Corrine during her Christmas break. If you thought the boys were funny wait until Corrine goes.

Like Father, Like Son

When I was a kid, probably eleven or twelve years old, I used to deliver papers. It was a lot of fun then and it provided me with some pocket change to buy important stuff like baseball cards or Slurpees. Well this morning everything came full circle as my eldest son Caleb joined me for some early morning frivolity. He was able to experience throwing the paper in the rain, something his mother hasn’t experienced yet. He also had to learn the importance of throwing the paper the right way. The first couple of throws seemed to be fine, but then he started to hit the passengers mirror and the door with the paper as he released it. Sound familiar? He’s just like his mom in this aspect of his paperboy skills. So once this started to happen he adjusted his throw so that it was now going 20’ in the air and about 2’ in distance. This presented some very funny moments. One was when he threw it, the paper landed on top of a Suburban. Now you might think it would land on the edge or more towards the front, but nnooooooo. It wound up right in the middle of the roof. So now remember it is wet from the rain and I have to jump up so that I can get this paper. The last thing I want is for this guy to be driving down the 5 freeway and the car behind him to cause an accident because of a wayward newspaper. After a couple of jumps I was able to get it, but now I’m, well let’s just say, a little wet. You might think lesson learned, right? Wrong! He then puts one on top of a mini van. That one was a lot easier, probably because it was a mini van. And just like those late night infomercials, “and that’s not all……”. He then proceeds to stick, yes stick, the newspaper to the back window of an Expedition. Now I must say that is talent! He’s just lucky (to my Baptist friends reading this, yes I know, I know there is no such thing as luck, but humor me) it didn’t have an alarm. One time Caleb threw the paper on someone’s lawn so he had to go back and get it off the lawn. Well when he got back he told me that they had “good grass”. So I asked him “what’s good grass look like?” and he said “you know, like golfing grass”. So I now know if I want to practice my putting at 3:00 am I have a lawn to practice on. Overall Caleb did a great job and he accomplished his goal of not having the slowest route time (That’s my boy! Aim high!). He did tell his mother this morning that no one should make fun of her, because she has a hard job throwing those papers. Well tune in tomorrow for a little bit about how my morning goes with my youngest son, Coby, tomorrow. This ought to be good!

This Newspaper Boys’ Top 10

I have always loved a good top 10 list. It’s probably the only thing I could stand on the David Letterman Show. At our church we even have an elder who is famous (or infamous if you ask his kids) for his top 10 lists. So, here is my top 10 list for the things I have learned over the past 7 weeks of delivering the paper.

10) I Feel the Need for Speed. Man I love going fast down those residential streets, well I just like going fast period.

9) There is no NASCAR circuit for newspaper route drivers. Much to my dismay I will always be on the local streets of the Santa Clarita Valley and I will never get to feel the experience driving on a professional track.

8) I am going to hit a rabbit. Those stinkin’ rabbits! I know during the day they are all conspiring against me. They talk about the Honda Accord that comes speeding around the corner early in the morning and disrupts whatever they are doing. I figure they just haven’t picked the Kamikaze rabbit yet.

7) Suzi has a strong right arm. Man she scares me. When she is throwing that hulking Sunday paper and I see those biceps and triceps flex…… all I can say is Wow! And don’t hit me.

6) The importance of sleep. I used to take for granted the time I had watching the inside of my eyelids, but now I value that time. I value that time as if it were a cup of highly caffeinated coffee.

5) The importance of coffee in the morning…… ok anytime. Now that I work within the realms of 4-5 hours of sleep a day I understand that nothing can replace my coffee early in the morning, in the afternoon and at night. All I can say is Java!

4) I am not the coffee snob that I once thought I was and was accused of. Yes folks I have deviated from my Peet’s or Starbuchs only stance. I now drink the sludge that is in our office in the morning. It doesn’t taste very good, but it has an active ingredient my body needs right now……… caffeine.

3) The passage in scripture about “But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection” (1Cor. 9:27) brings on a whole new meaning. When you lack sleep and have to study for an upcoming bible study lesson or even in doing your own private quite times you have to train your body to stay awake. This can be difficult……… so when all else fails help your body by giving it coffee. P.S. yes I know this verse does not directly talk about delivering newspapers.

2) My wife and I are the funniest duo since Ricky and Lucy, well we probably look more like Burns and Allen. Yes Suzi and I crack each other up at least. The things we do at 3:00 am could make up a sitcom or at least a blog. Say goodnight Suzi!

1) My wife is my best friend. She is the best wife in the world. When I decided to take on this crazy task, she was right there with me. When I ground here from going out on the route because she is too tired, she is actually sad. She is the best papergirl I know. Honey you are a Godly woman for enduring the craziness of our route and following me on this wild ride.

A Family that throws Together……

Yesterday morning I had the pleasure of meeting a young man that is just starting to deliver newspapers. I had seen him and his wife in a couple of days ago folding the papers together. Yesterday as I was walking out to put my papers in the car he told me I liked my t-shirt. Well yesterday morning I was wearing my Placerita Baptist 2006 Jr./Sr. High School Summer Camp t-shirt. On the back it has a bible verse. Before you say “Wow! That is so cool! He uses his t-shirts to open evangelical conversations with people”, know that I just grabbed the next t-shirt in my drawer which divinely happened to be my summer camp shirt. Well in talking to this young man I find out that he is a believer and attends Rocky Peak Church in the San Fernando Valley. After a little chit chat we say “have fun on your route” to each other and I was on my way. Now remember from yesterday’s post that this is when Kevin and I locked ourselves out of the car. Well we go back into the warehouse to call AAA because where were our cell phones? In the car! So, we decided to ask our new Christian friend if he had a cell phone and sure enough he did. He said that his wife had it and she was in the car. So we fallowed him to the car where we found to my amazement she was there with their 6 year old daughter. No Way!! I thought it was bad enough that Suzi and I delivered together, but this was truly amazing. Come to find out that she wants to help him with the route and since they don’t have anyone to watch their daughter she has to come too (from what I hear this 6 year old throws a mean paper too). Now that’s commitment! So in light of this I had an epiphany last night. Are you ready for this? Tomorrow when I go out it won’t be just Suzi and I. It will be Corrine, Caleb, Coby and the two of us. That will be so cool and then we won’t be overshadowed by these show offs and their 6 year old. Now the boys may come along just to humor me (besides they don’t care if they sleep in the car or in their beds), but Corrine…… let’s just say Wow! After I got the sob story about her 2 AP classes and all the homework she has it would be “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! You’re not funny!” Well I guess I won’t do that (sorry for bringing it up, hun) and thusly avert any dissension in my household. So I will just have to tip my hat to this couple for be honoring to God in their finances and feeling the burden of paying off their debts at all cost, even sleep, their daughters that is.

Be Careful what you Pray For...

Knowing that 2 Peter 3:9 speaks of God being patient with us and in my case that is a good reminder due to strong will. Believe me I am very thankful for His patience with me. So knowing that everyday I pray for patience in my family life and in my dealings with people in the work place. Well I am a firm believer in “Be careful what you pray for because that is where the Lord is going to allow you to be tested.” The past two days proved that out. Yesterday’s paper was big (normal Sunday newspaper) and we had to bag it in a special promotional bag. Well the bag was very slick and caused my patience to be tested in more than one way. The first way that this bag tested my patience was when I went to stack the papers in the cart I load them into after I fold the paper. As I was stacking them the paper would spill out from the bottom almost like a landslide of newspapers. The more I tried to stack them the more I just made a mess. So I decided to watch the experts to see how they did it. There are these little Mexican ladies that are just paper folding machines. I swear they are not human. Anyways, on this Sunday these ladies were having no problem at all and all I can say is I looked liked a retard (must be the part of my genetics that is polish. By the way for those of you who don’t know I am a bean-pole. Half Mexican, half polish). So after 5 minutes of studying the art of slick paper wrapping and stacking I had down and I was off. So now let’s zoom ahead to the route. Suzi and I are out and attempting, I will say once again attempting to throw these slick bags. First the newspaper would come out of the bag and next it would slip out of your hands. At one point I asked Suzi if we needed to pull over and pray, do to us both being so frustrated. All I could think of is “What a way to prepare my heart for worship on a Sunday”. So here come’s an even more funny part. We start throwing the papers in different ways in an effort to keep the paper in the bag. We through them high in the air so that in would fall like a rock, that just made a loud “thud” and when I say loud I mean loud. Then there was the slide and all this did is spread the paper out evenly across the driveway as it cam out of the bag. Then there was the problem of throwing the paper for distance when needed. I think Suzi’s biceps grew 3 inches that morning trying to throw the paper through the menagerie of cars. We realized about a third of the way through the route that all we could do is laugh and that’s what we did. So now we just looked like a couple of loonies that escaped from Camarillo State Hospital for the Mentally Challenged, but it made it much more enjoyable. Then this morning I go to deliver papers with Kevin, the Stuntman, and while at the warehouse one of us hits the auto-lock on the car while the keys are in the car. Well that’s not good! So Kevin and I both close our doors and go back into the warehouse to clean up our stations. When we get back out to the car we find out that we locked the car doors. So we call AAA, end of story right? Wrong! Kevin and I both left the house without our wallets; coincidentally that’s where my AAA card and Drivers License are. So now the tow truck is on the way and we both don’t have identification. Well when the tow truck arrives and the driver asks for identification Kevin proceeds to tell him our dilemma and shows him the registration and insurance for the vehicle. Fortunately he bought our story and we were on our way, 20 minutes late. Nice! I can tell you honestly that if wasn’t for the Lord granting me patience the past two days I would have lost it. So remember when you are battling a slippery newspaper bag or you lock the keys in the car, Be Patient! How come I feel like singing that “Be Patient” song from that Music Machine album?

The Better Part of Wisdom

Proverbs 1:4 says that wisdom gives “To the young man knowledge and discretion”. Well last night my own wisdom did not give me either knowledge or discretion. Last night I went to the Dodger game with my brother-in-law. Now for all you “newbies” to this post I deliver papers at 2:45 am and then proceed, without a nap in between, to go to my day job and work until 6:00 pm and take the train and get home at 7:20 pm. So, in light of that I stayed out until 11:30 pm watching the hapless Dodgers lose to the inept Pirates for the second straight day in a row. So why did I stay so long at the game? Well the Dodgers, like my beloved UCLA Bruin football team of last year, waited until the 8^th and 9^th inning to show up. Well so that was the unwise part of my day, the wise part of my day was that I drank 3 cups of coffee this morning. Now let me explain something to you. I love coffee, but not just any coffee, I am a coffee snob. I must have good coffee, well that was until this paper route. Now I haven’t digressed to Folgers yet, boy our God is merciful, but I have started drinking our office coffee which isn’t much better than Folgers. It’s all about the caffeine you see. At this point taste is sacrificed for the jolt my body needs to get through the day. Someday I can see that coffee just won’t do the trick, I’ll have to turn to Red Bull’s or another form of legal stimulant. I hope that this doesn’t turn into an addiction. It would be bad to be sitting out in front of Peets looking like a bum and saying “Come on mister just a $1.80 for a cup of coffee, just some spare change for a man in need” or standing in front of the market saying “Hey mister, can you buy me a Red Bull? I need my daily fix.” So would it be wise to steer clear of caffeinated drinks? Would it be wise to have no stimulants in my body? I know what I’ll do, I’ll just make wise decisions and hold to one cup of coffee. Yep that’s what I’ll do.

P.S. Don’t tell Suzi that I’m drinking the office coffee. She’s a bigger coffee snob than me and she won’t let me live it down if you do.

It’ Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

No, No So. Cal. did not have a drastic change in weather over the past 24 hours. No it’s not snowing, nor is the temperature even approaching 30 to 40 degrees. It’s just that this past week the guys and girls in the warehouse were talking with great joy about the upcoming holidays and the benefits of being a paperboy. One person talked about the gas cards he received and another received a gift card to Wal-Mart. I guess it pays to make sure the newspaper does not fall in their planter or under their car. Well this got me to thinking, what if I were to send out a Christmas list along with the newspaper on Thanksgiving. I would write something like this:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am your early rising, hard working and ever mindful of you being asleep paperboy. I know that the last 4 months have been great and that due to the excellent service that my wife and I deliver to you day in and day out, regardless of the personal hardships that we might have to go through, you would like to get us a little something to show your gratitude. The following are places that my wife and I would like gift cards to:

Ruth Chris Steakhouse
Outback Steakhouse
Stuart Andersons
Best Buy
Sharper Image
…and any other electronic store that is in the SCV

With this outward expression of your generosity we will continue to deliver your paper high in your driveway and out of the path of your sprinklers.

Sincerely,

Your paperboy and his wife

I believe that this would eliminate any unwanted gifts like Hickory Farms and such. So if any of you out there receive the newspaper, don’t forget you paperboy at Christmas time.

I’m Married to Tommy John

When I was a kid my grandfather and grandmother would take my brothers and I to Dodger games. This was during the era of Steve Garvey, Ron Cey and Davey Lopes. One pitcher I would often imitate as a kid came from that team, his name was Tommy John. This guy could throw the ball fast, slow, inside and outside. He had a curve ball, a fastball and a change up. Well by now you probably are wondering why in the wide world of sports I am talking about baseball and not the adventures of Tom and Suzi out on the route. Well here is the reason why. Suzi, when we first started had some issues throwing the paper. It was, how do I hold it? What is the best way to throw it? And lastly how much power should I use when throwing it? Well that isn’t really the issue today. Today’s issue is much like the issues Tommy John would have had in any given game. Do I throw the curve; do I throw the fastball or the slider? Some of you out there that don’t know the art of throwing newspapers might be thinking, “Why would you need to throw the paper any other way other than straight and hard?” Well for reading enjoyment I will take you through a day on the “ski” paper route and tell you about each situation that requires a different type of throw. First there is the driveway that is blocked by a car bigger than Lisa’s Accord or my Saturn. Here you use the floater. You just throw the paper up in the air with about medium strength and there you go, on the driveway. Suzi doesn’t like this one much because it lacks control and could wind up in the bushes or even worse in the wet part of the driveway. Then there is the curve. Suzi loves using this one. We have one house where it is her challenge to get the paper on the porch without getting out of the car. Well sometimes we have car issues or trash container issues. No problem for Suzi she just pulls out the curve and what do you know it’s on the porch. This pitch usually comes with excessive celebration and if we were talking football I would say that we would get a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty for this. Lastly there is the slider. This usually comes into play when I am being Mario Andretti and racing down the street. Suzi just throws the paper more at the ground, thus making the paper’s momentum slow down by its sliding on the concrete. This is not one of her favorites either due to the circumstance in which she has to use this throw (by the way this throw is usually followed with a long drawn out T-h-o-m-a-s).Needless to say there are also times when we have the wild pitch. Just like any good pitcher Suzi has a few that just get away from her. One would be when she goes to throw her fast ball and she hits the window frame of the car. This usually causes less accuracy and a throw with really no power what so ever. We may even have to use a “do over” on this one. Then there are the times when she is uncertain of the throw placement and she hangs onto the paper to long and it hits me instead of the driveway. It is needless to say where my Cy Young vote for outstanding paper thrower goes. It goes to my wife, who has just given up 1 complaint in 6 weeks of throwing. I believe there is a record out there somewhere keeping track of paperboy statistics. When I find the record book I will let you know where Suzi “Tommy John” falls.