I’m Married to Tommy John

When I was a kid my grandfather and grandmother would take my brothers and I to Dodger games. This was during the era of Steve Garvey, Ron Cey and Davey Lopes. One pitcher I would often imitate as a kid came from that team, his name was Tommy John. This guy could throw the ball fast, slow, inside and outside. He had a curve ball, a fastball and a change up. Well by now you probably are wondering why in the wide world of sports I am talking about baseball and not the adventures of Tom and Suzi out on the route. Well here is the reason why. Suzi, when we first started had some issues throwing the paper. It was, how do I hold it? What is the best way to throw it? And lastly how much power should I use when throwing it? Well that isn’t really the issue today. Today’s issue is much like the issues Tommy John would have had in any given game. Do I throw the curve; do I throw the fastball or the slider? Some of you out there that don’t know the art of throwing newspapers might be thinking, “Why would you need to throw the paper any other way other than straight and hard?” Well for reading enjoyment I will take you through a day on the “ski” paper route and tell you about each situation that requires a different type of throw. First there is the driveway that is blocked by a car bigger than Lisa’s Accord or my Saturn. Here you use the floater. You just throw the paper up in the air with about medium strength and there you go, on the driveway. Suzi doesn’t like this one much because it lacks control and could wind up in the bushes or even worse in the wet part of the driveway. Then there is the curve. Suzi loves using this one. We have one house where it is her challenge to get the paper on the porch without getting out of the car. Well sometimes we have car issues or trash container issues. No problem for Suzi she just pulls out the curve and what do you know it’s on the porch. This pitch usually comes with excessive celebration and if we were talking football I would say that we would get a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty for this. Lastly there is the slider. This usually comes into play when I am being Mario Andretti and racing down the street. Suzi just throws the paper more at the ground, thus making the paper’s momentum slow down by its sliding on the concrete. This is not one of her favorites either due to the circumstance in which she has to use this throw (by the way this throw is usually followed with a long drawn out T-h-o-m-a-s).Needless to say there are also times when we have the wild pitch. Just like any good pitcher Suzi has a few that just get away from her. One would be when she goes to throw her fast ball and she hits the window frame of the car. This usually causes less accuracy and a throw with really no power what so ever. We may even have to use a “do over” on this one. Then there are the times when she is uncertain of the throw placement and she hangs onto the paper to long and it hits me instead of the driveway. It is needless to say where my Cy Young vote for outstanding paper thrower goes. It goes to my wife, who has just given up 1 complaint in 6 weeks of throwing. I believe there is a record out there somewhere keeping track of paperboy statistics. When I find the record book I will let you know where Suzi “Tommy John” falls.