Water Cooler Talk

The past few mornings have been quite funny at the warehouse. I have been able to hear some funny stories about the couriers and the things they do.Here are a few of them:

The first is about one of the current couriers and his quest for the perfect donut. Apparently one morning after he was done delivering his papers he had a hankering for a donut and wasn't familiar enough with the area he was in to know where a donut shop was. So, as he was driving home he saw a few police cars huddled together in a grocery market parking lot. He figured that if anyone was going to know where a good donut shop was they would. Well as the story goes he drove into the parking lot and drove up to the police officers, know remember it's around 3:00 am when he's doing this, and asked them where he could find a good donut shop that would be open at that time in the morning. Well this is where it get's pretty funny, and by the way I really felt for the guy because he was truly just looking for a good donut shop, the police officers came on over to his car and start questioning him about what he was doing up that early in the morning, how he got a couple of the dents in his car and finally they asked him if he had been drinking. He kept trying to tell them that he was really just looking for a donut shop and I guess this only aggrevated teh officers because he wasn't answering their questions. Well after getting the third degree he left still not knowing where a donut shop was. Poor guy!

The second story is about a guy that used to drive his route in a raised 4x4 pick up truck. You know the type, they're 9 feet in the air and the tires are as tall as you. The guys talking about this said he was spending almost half his check in gas, but that didn't stop him. Well one day he was doing his route with his five year old daughter when he hit a parked car. Well if you drive a car and you hit a car you know the point of contact, right? Even if you drive a regular truck you would know when you hit another vehicle, right? Well when you drive a raised 4x4 this is the way it goes. He hit the car as he was going backwards to turn down a street he had missed. He hits the car and then continues to go up it until he realized that his truck was all the way up on the cars roof. Now I was thinking this guy must either be deaf, because you think he would have heard the crunch of the car he ran over, or he was so into talking to his daughter that he clued out. Well when he realized what he had done and came off the car, the car he ran over looked like something out of a monster truck show. Well needless to say he lost his job and had to pay what the insurance wouldn't cover to fix the car. Ironically his wife was the one that had to fire him.

Well these provided lessons for me and here is what I learned. I learned that no matter how hungary I am do not ask the police for their favorite early morning breakfast stops, this may cause a delay in you getting home and you will still be hungary when you get home. I also learned that you pay attention when you are driving so that you don't squash someone's car. Now with that said if Lisa's Honda Accord (the vehicle our room mate let's us use one the paper route) squashes another car, that car would have to be a Tonka or Hot Wheels car. I am so glad for those who go ahead of me so that I don't have to be the object of the lesson.

Trick or Treat?

When I was a kid I remember going trick or treating with my brothers every year. I remember it being a time in which I walked through my neighborhood seeing people my family knew and going to the doors of people we would truly call neighbors. My costume was usually that of a super hero or when my parents really couldn’t afford costumes we were ghosts (a simple bed sheet goes a long way). Some of you right now are wondering what in the Wide World of Sports does this have to do with the paper route. Well in speeding around the SCV the past few mornings I’ve been able to see where Halloween has gone from those days of innocence. I want to add a caveat before I start though. My family chose’s not to participate in Halloween. We in no way condemn those who chose to do so, but we feel, as a family, it’s not something we need to participate in. So with that said, in my best Jackie Gleason voice, “and away we go!”

WARNINING! WARNING! TOM’S PERSONAL OPINION COMING! WARNING!

The past few days I have seen some of the most macabre things in the front of people’s houses. On the mild side, I’ve seen cemeteries in people’s front yards with hands reaching out of the ground. I’ve seen scary jack-o-lanterns, cute and funny jack-o-lanterns and even a 3’ tall Snoopy dressed up in his Halloween outfit trick or treating. The Snoopy stuff is funny and I really have no problem with that stuff because it harkens back to those innocent days of my childhood. It’s the blood splattered windows with decapitated heads that get me. The person that probably has this in their front window is probably the same person who faints at the sight of his own blood. The people that decorate their house with dead bodies, blood, scary life like mannequins and such are probably the same people that when they read the article about the serial killer in their morning paper more than likely curse society as being wretched. Tell me something why is acceptable one day out of the year to praise the sick side of our society? Why in the wake of several school shootings do we feel the need to praise decapitation and murder? I just don’t get it. The way I see it Halloween has almost reached the decorating achievements of Christmas. I see people with orange and purple lights all over their houses. I’ve seen strobe affect lights in people’s front yards. I have even seen a 6’ tall life like witch in one person’s front yard. The first time I saw this one it kind of freaked me out, because it is on a street that isn’t that well lit. The first thing you see as you come down the street is this 6’ tall shadow over a caldron. Nothing is scarier at 3:00 am than a 6’ shadow as your driving down the street. Well I’ll get off my soap box now.

On a funny, scary note, (I know, I know, after all that I’m going to say something funny scary?) I was delivering papers the other morning, like I’d be doing something else at 3:00 am, and one of my fabulous customers was out smoking a cigarette. So, I thought I would be nice and hand deliver the paper to her. Remember the word “her”. Also remember its 3:00 am and I have a beanie cap on and am sporting my best homeless look. As I get out of the car to hand her the paper she, no joking, turns and runs into the house. As she runs in I can hear her shaking hand locking the dead bolt and the other locks she had. Just what I wanted to do, scare one of my customers to near death at 3:00 am. I felt like yelling “Sorry! Just the paperboy here!”, but I think that I would have done that the neighbors would have had a lynching. So the rest of my route I was worried that at some point the sheriffs would come get me for scaring her or even worse she would complain to my employer. I told Suzi later that I was afraid that I would be calling her at 5:00 am to come bail me out of jail. Wow! Was that a scary moment. Hopefully that will never happen again.

Oh, Ooooo…The Radio, Oh, Ooooo…

This morning on the route I was experimenting with the radio to see if I could get in any music station that didn’t have a lot of commercials. Boy was this and experience! Normally I listen to CD’s or I‘ll listen to sports talk radio. Well I am beginning to get tired of sports talk radio due to the suggestive nature of the banter in between the sports updates. So, the first station I tried was the Christian station for Los Angeles and they had an infomercial. I came in on the middle of a conversation between two guys and this triple action liquid. A few minutes later, Libby from Tulsa called in and with her Okie accent she said, “I have had back pain and joint pains all my life. Can this help me?” One of the guys answered her with, “you mean to tell me I didn’t mention it’s ability to help with your back pain and with joint pain.” About this time I was screaming at the radio, “No Libby don’t do it! Don’t buy it!” After a few minutes of that realized there is a reason it’s on at 3:00 am and there is a reason that Libby from Tulsa is calling in. That reason would be summarized in PT Barnum’s quote, “A suckers born every minute”. Well after listening to that show I convinced that at 3:00 am two to three are born every minute and the mostly originate in the midwest and south. So after that display of a lack of discernment on my part I changed to another station where a gentleman was counseling another man about how divorce is not the answer. I found this interesting due to the fact that this was a secular station I was listening to. The host of the show told the man on the other side of the phone that he was asking the wrong question when it came to how do I go about getting a divorce and what are the grounds for divorce. The host to my amazement told this guy on the phone that the right question was, “did I give this marriage my all?” to which the man on the phone asked, “Do you think it’s wrong for me to beat my wife every now and then?” (I only wish I could make this stuff up). The host was greatly angered by this and then in a show of uncontrolled anger he proceeded to rail on this guy. My response you might ask, change the station. The next station was going to commercial and traffic update. Now my wheels started turning. What in the Wide World of Sports? Traffic!?!? At 3:15 am!?!? You’ve got to be kidding me! Well the traffic guy came on and said to my utter amazement, “thanks Larry, I’m over the 405 and it’s clear sailing all the way into Century City and I understand that the 5 is clear also.” “Wow”, I though to myself. No traffic at 3:15 am, I am sooooo surprised. NOT! So after hearing this I chose to do what any other rational person would do……… I put a CD in and finished my route. Well so much for the radio, but wait a minute maybe I can talk Suzi into XM radio. I’m sure she would agree that we need to pay $19.99 a month to get good music commercial free, especially when it’s for the paper route that I have for the purpose of paying off my debt. That seems rational to me. Think she’ll buy it? Me neither.

I Know Funny and …………

This morning as I cruised around the SCV delivering my papers I was thinking about what to blog about and I came to this conclusion, that without Suzi I am not a funny person. We are very much like Lucy and Ricky or Burns and Allen. So when I am without my Lucy I figured I would blog about the things I think of while I’m on my route. I know, I know, you are thinking “please no more Louis Armstrong”. Even though I cannot promise that I can tell you it will be all over the board. It may be religious, it may be whimsical or on rare occasions it may be funny. This will also help you to pray that something funny happens on Sundays when Suzi is with me. So here goes this new format of “The Paperboy Diaries”.

So this morning I was actually meditating on Matthew 28:19-20,"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." This passage seems to be used quite a bit when we send missionaries to the mission field, but I rarely hear it used in regards to the local body and the mission field that we have here at home. I just got to thinking about the word “disciple” and its meaning, “one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another”. I was just thinking about how most of Christians think that when they evangelize those they come into contact with, they think that the object is to get them to accept Christ as their Savior. Yes that is one of the aspects of evangelization, but if we are to equip them to, like the definition says, spread the doctrines (Gospel message) that we espouse then we must train them. That’s the part I think we often forget. It’s almost like we give them the Gospel message, the Lord in His Divine Grace saves them and then we feel like the work is done. NOT! The work has just begun! Look at verse 20 “teaching them to observe all that I commanded you”. We must teach them those things that we know to be true. If we are to be true missionaries to the world then we must help those around us in their Christian walk. We must help them get to a good church. We must help them to understand the implications of the Gospel message. We must come along side of them and disciple them. This is what the early church did. In today’s society of easy believism and the doctrine of tolerance we let people flounder in their faith, because we are afraid to infringe on “their” truth. We need to remember that there is only one truth and that is what we must teach those we bring to faith if Christ. That’s why verse 20 says “all that I commanded you”. We must, not if we feel like it, train those who are youthful in their faith the importance of daily meditation in the Word and the importance of hearing the Word taught. So, this morning I challenged myself to not only evangelize those around me, but to educate them and to disciple them too. Wow! What a glorious morning in the Lord! And to think all of that was going on in my head at 3:00am.

Throwing Papers with Louis Armstrong

On Sunday while delivering the papers with my wife, the radio played “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. I told Suzi that the last time that song came on I had this vision of myself throwing the papers to the lyrics of that song. At this point I must warn you we are going to a scary place, we are going inside of my head so that you can see the vision that came to me as I heard this song.

As Louis sang, “I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and you, And I think to myself what a wonderful world.” I was like delivering papers in Alaska or something because it was night time but the sun was out (I told you it was scary in here). Now this was like the perfect day too, because the birds were out chirping and then the next part of the song came, “I see skies of blue and clouds of white, The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night, And I think to myself what a wonderful world.” Now at this point it was like some corny 1940’s cartoon. As I’m throwing the papers, perfectly I might add, I’m looking at the clouds and just smiling. In retrospect I’m surprised the car isn’t driving itself and as I throw the paper with my right hand I put my left hand out so that one of those chirping birds can land on it. So now I come to the third stanza, “The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky, Are also on the faces of people going by, I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do, They're really saying I love you.” This is where my vision gets really weird because as I am throwing the newspaper I am shaking hands with my customers. Don’t ask me why at the same time I am shaking their hands I am throwing the paper because I don’t know. Personally if someone shook my hand and then proceeded to throw my paper instead of hand it to me I wouldn’t have a smile on my face. That’s another reason this is scary and now don’t forget they are shaking my hand and I’m throwing the paper and driving the car. So as we come to the final stanza “I hear babies crying, I watch them grow, They'll learn much more than I'll never know, And I think to myself what a wonderful world, Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.” At this point I am no longer in that corny cartoon, I’m in a musical. There are people dancing in the streets and throwing newspapers, and amazingly enough all the papers land exactly where they are supposed to. It was like some type of synchronized newspaper dance number. The only think missing was Fred Astaire and Danny Thomas. At this point the song ends and my vision fades to the reality that its pitch dark and I am still dodging bunnies. Well after that scary venture into my head I hope you understand why I believe my wife is the greatest and most understanding wife in the world.

Dear Diary………

Boy if that doesn’t sound weird. I feel like a 13 year old girl and my next sentence should be, “I saw Joey today and he is soooooo cute!” Anyways sorry for the long pause between blogs things were kind of slow in the humor section this week, but now I have some stuff to share and yes I am going to write it in a “true” diary format. Here we go………

Dear Diary,

Sunday was a rough day for my head. Suzi was hitting it with the newspaper as she grabbed them from the back seat. She claims it’s an accident, I think NOT! I knew those smart remarks on Saturday would come back to haunt me. Suzi also said something that is classic. My family has come to call the Suzi-ism’s because they are truly what makes her unique and endears her to me. So she’s throwing the paper and all of a sudden she does this double pump, gotta get rid of the paper like its on fire type of move, so I slam on the brakes and ask, “What in the Wide World of Sports was that?” to which she answers, “the paper wouldn’t let go of my hand!” Boy, I’ll take a few knocks in the head for that type of humor at 4:00 am.

Monday was like Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Animals galore. I love seeing Gods creation in the concrete jungle I call home. Saw some rabbits of course (almost hit a few, I swear they have it out for me), saw some coyotes, some mice (now I know what neighborhood not to move into), saw a few bats and heard a hawk looking for breakfast. I was singing “Circle of Life” and doing my best Elton John impersonation. It’s a good thing I’m by myself and that the windows in the Accord are safety glass.

Tuesday Kevin, the stunt man, joined me. It was a good time of fellowship. Yes, you can fellowship at 3:00 am. This made me remember a prayer I had a while back in regards to so many young men needing discipleship and the fact that I wished I had a few more hours to meet with some different guys. Well isn’t God funny, He gave me exactly what I asked for. By the way Kevin and I did set the land/newspaper speed record. For those of you in the SCV I’m sorry for that sonic boom. Man we were movin’.

Yesterday taught me a lesson about fixing the bag the newspapers are in while you’re throwing papers and driving. It’s not as bad as drinking and driving but it can have the same result. Let’s see, since Suzi is reading this what can I tell you that won’t get me in trouble………… Well it was a good thing I was driving the Saturn and not Lisa’s Accord for one thing. As I was turning and grabbing a paper while fixing another papers bag, I hit the curb due to my full attention not being on driving. Boy all of a sudden I’m wide awake and thinking to myself, “phew… it’s a good thing Suzi’s not here”. Then a few minutes later I almost do it again, I think the Lord was trying to tell me something. I believe somewhere between almost hitting a parked car and hitting another curb I finally decided to pay attention. Wow! What a morning.

Well the lesson learned this week was the lasting affect of my wife hitting me in the head on Sunday and it’s leading to my hitting curbs on Wednesday. Isn’t that amazing! Once again it’s not my fault. Man I feel better now. (P.S. See Genesis 3:12, same principle)

Are you a Playa’ or a Poser?

Over the past few weeks I have come to see paper “people”, I don’t want to offend those of the female persuasion who are throwing papers, come and go. Most of them show up the first day ready to go on the first day. The second day isn’t as good because they have actually seen the route and now know what’s ahead of them. By the end of the week they either are up to the challenge or are trying to figure out how to get out of this insane early morning job. By the end of the week most of us “real” paperboys and girls know who the playa’s are and who the poser’s are. So how can you the untrained paper recipient tell if your paperboy is a playa’ or a poser? Hopefully the following will help.

The marks of a “real” (playa’) paperboy deal with the way you look, from the way you dress to the car you drive. One true sign would be if you have a yellow safety light on your roof. If you are thinking safety first at 3:00 am and are thinking of the welfare of your fellow paperboy’s then you are a playa’. If your car lack’s a passenger’s seat so that you have the convenience of more room for your papers, you are a playa’. If your license plate cover or plate itself says anything about your early morning romp’s through the beautiful SCV then you are a playa’. If you think that your pajamas are good enough to wear to work because no one other then your fellow pajama wearing, paper throwing friends will see you, then you are a playa’. If you have more than one newspaper that you throw on your route, you’re a playa’. If you read the newspaper in a big, cold warehouse with a cup of coffee and think that’s quality time alone, you’re a playa’. If you count sleep by how much you get in a week as opposed to how much you get in a day, you are a playa’.

So now we’ll look at the marks of someone pretending to be a “real” paperboy (poser). If you show up to fold your papers ready for your “real” or “day” job, you my friend are a poser. To be a playa’ this must be your “real” job. If you are more worried about the way you look while you are throwing the paper (like someone of any significance is going to see you at 3:00 am), you are a poser. If you are more worried about the crease in the paper as you fold it than how fast you get it done, you are a poser. If you are not constantly timing yourself on your route to see if you will get a personal best time, you are a poser. If you aren’t changing your tires every 10,000 miles and getting new brakes every 5,000 miles due to your racing, I mean, driving style, you are a poser. Lastly if you are the only one that realizes that you are the insane one because you are up at 2:15 am, you are a poser. I hope that helps you as you judge weather or not you have a “real” paperboy.

Like Father Like Son, Part Duex

This morning was another great joy for me. I was able to take my youngest son on the paper rout with me. The past two days have been a lot of fun. It’s not many fathers’ that get to spend time with their sons at 3:00 am. I know, I know many of you can think of better times to meet with your kids, but as for me 3:00 am works. Plus there is the added bonus of the kids finding this experience as something unique. They were actually excited about getting up at 3:00 am. Well on with today’s follies. So, we start out with the line of the day. Coby told me before we started that he was only going so that he could see the bunny rabbits and the coyotes. He also thought it would be cool if we saw a coyote chasing a rabbit and catching it. Man I hope his mom doesn’t find out about this, she’ll freak! Now, being as I was with my youngest I thought I would take it easy on him at first by letting him only throw to the houses that had no cars in the driveway or the townhomes that had garage doors 2’ away from the car window. Well this proved to be a little bit on the difficult side, because every time I would throw to the other houses out his window I would thump Coby on his head. Now if I’m Coby I’m thinking to myself, “My dad gets me up at 3:00 am so that he can thump me on the head?” So I let him throw to a few more houses. Now this is where he starts throwing the paper in the bushes and on the grass and starts laughing because we have to stop and I have to go get the paper and throw it in the driveway. At least this only lasted for a while until he got the hang of throwing the paper. Once Coby got the hang of it, he would throw the paper and then watch it until it hit the ground. Now to most of you layman you might think what’s the big deal? Right? Well here’s the big deal, by the time that paper came out of the stratosphere and hits the ground I’m stopped at the next house waiting for him to throw the next paper. Now this goes on for the rest of the morning. I was laughing to myself because with every throw came his own personal critique of the throw. “Oh man!”, “Wow! Dad did you see that one?”, “Look at how far that one went!” and my favorite “At least I haven’t put it on top of a car like Caleb!” Well that last one was very true, but Coby did something Caleb didn’t do and that was put the newspaper in the bed of a pick up truck. Yes Coby threw his newspaper and Bam! in the back of a pick up truck. My first thought was to go get the paper, so I started to climb into the truck. As I did this I started to think of the car alarm going off and me standing in the bed of this truck. My imagination took me to police cars showing up and me trying to explain what I was doing in the back of the truck. This is the way I pictured the conversation going. “But officer I was just getting the newspaper out of the bed of the truck” and the officer would say, “and how did the paper get in the back of the truck?” and I would say, “my son threw it in” and the officer would say, “You mean the young man in the passenger seat of your car? What kind of father gets his child up at 3:00 am to deliver newspapers?” After all that I could see myself calling Suzi at 5:00 am to ask her if she could come get me out of jail. Boy wouldn’t that be fun? So I just gave them an additional paper and left the one in the bed right there. Someday the owner of that truck will find it and wonder what in the wide world of sports happened. Overall what a joyous time with my boys, next up Corrine during her Christmas break. If you thought the boys were funny wait until Corrine goes.

Like Father, Like Son

When I was a kid, probably eleven or twelve years old, I used to deliver papers. It was a lot of fun then and it provided me with some pocket change to buy important stuff like baseball cards or Slurpees. Well this morning everything came full circle as my eldest son Caleb joined me for some early morning frivolity. He was able to experience throwing the paper in the rain, something his mother hasn’t experienced yet. He also had to learn the importance of throwing the paper the right way. The first couple of throws seemed to be fine, but then he started to hit the passengers mirror and the door with the paper as he released it. Sound familiar? He’s just like his mom in this aspect of his paperboy skills. So once this started to happen he adjusted his throw so that it was now going 20’ in the air and about 2’ in distance. This presented some very funny moments. One was when he threw it, the paper landed on top of a Suburban. Now you might think it would land on the edge or more towards the front, but nnooooooo. It wound up right in the middle of the roof. So now remember it is wet from the rain and I have to jump up so that I can get this paper. The last thing I want is for this guy to be driving down the 5 freeway and the car behind him to cause an accident because of a wayward newspaper. After a couple of jumps I was able to get it, but now I’m, well let’s just say, a little wet. You might think lesson learned, right? Wrong! He then puts one on top of a mini van. That one was a lot easier, probably because it was a mini van. And just like those late night infomercials, “and that’s not all……”. He then proceeds to stick, yes stick, the newspaper to the back window of an Expedition. Now I must say that is talent! He’s just lucky (to my Baptist friends reading this, yes I know, I know there is no such thing as luck, but humor me) it didn’t have an alarm. One time Caleb threw the paper on someone’s lawn so he had to go back and get it off the lawn. Well when he got back he told me that they had “good grass”. So I asked him “what’s good grass look like?” and he said “you know, like golfing grass”. So I now know if I want to practice my putting at 3:00 am I have a lawn to practice on. Overall Caleb did a great job and he accomplished his goal of not having the slowest route time (That’s my boy! Aim high!). He did tell his mother this morning that no one should make fun of her, because she has a hard job throwing those papers. Well tune in tomorrow for a little bit about how my morning goes with my youngest son, Coby, tomorrow. This ought to be good!