You know it's been a very interesting month in my household. A month ago I posted that my daughter had started dating. I joked at how I had liked this kid before and now I wasn't so sure. Of course I was only joking, he is a great kid and he is a believer which makes this dating thing a little more complicated. You see for unbelievers there is such a thing as casual dating, but for the Christian this is more of a courtship. As a parent I desire to protect my daughter and her boyfriend from sin so in an effort to do so I had them go to a coffee house and think about their relationship. I told them that I would like them to write down what boundaries they were going to adhere to. To me this wasn't just physical boundaries, but boundaries to keep them pure in life in general like time boundaries so that tiredness and because of tiredness temptation is introduced. Well what I got back was something equivalent to some notes on on a napkin. It wasn't that they didn't think through what we asked them to think through it was just that they did not know exactly what I wanted them to write down, how specific were the supposed to get.
Now you see my father in law at this point would be quick to point out that if he tried this with us we would have said something along he line of "Yeah right?!?" Things were different then, I wasn't a believer and my wife was attending church but was not a believer also. It was by the grace of God that we both came to know the Lord and got to this point. Now this is not my recommended way of dating, but that discussion is for a later blog. Besides these two are in a spiritual position that requires us as parents to bring accountability into the relationship. A key to where the two of them were spiritually was how they would react to this idea. If they were in a good relationship with the Lord then this would be no big deal.
As I spoke to my daughter and her boyfriend it became apparent to me that I was going to have to write out the specific questions I wanted them to answer. Now I am not a parenting expert, but I did want to make this biblical. My desire is to get then to think out their relationship and to always be ready for temptation to hit. So below is the contract, and yes we did make it a contract, not just between the parents and them, but between God and them. Please let me know what you think. Post comments on things that may be missing or on things that you may think are to strict. I'm curious to see what parents and people who are dating think about this.
Rules to Engagement
As you fill this out remember that this is not only a contract between you and your parents, but ultimately and most importantly it is a contract between you and God. This is about your relationship and how it is viewed by God (“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:7-10, ESV), and about how it is viewed by those around you, ("Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us." Titus 2:7-8, ESV). Remember that how you are seen whether it be in public or coming out of a private place together, whether or not something inappropriate happens, is how your Christian walk will be seen. As you fill this out remember this is not about what is fair or not fair, this is not about what another couple can do or cannot do, this is about you both and your relationship with God. If your relationship with God is maintained and grows than this contract will be a mere formality. The whole idea with this contract is to get you to think of situations that will present temptation.
PURITY "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality;" (1 Thessalonians 4:3, ESV)
What are your physical boundaries as far as what you can touch? Think about things like holding hands, hugging and kissing. Be specific.
When saying goodbye either during the day or at night what are your boundaries? Think about walking to cars at night, how long alone at night; prolonged hugging, talking (especially what you talk about). Be specific.
What are your limits on where you can out on a date to? Think about things like restaurants movies and other places to hang out. Think about things like lighting and romantic/non romantic and types of public venues.
What are your limits on how late at night you can stay out? Be specific, i.e. during the week and weekends.
What are your limits about dating itself? Think about dating with your mentoring couple, friends and double dating and time on your own.
TIME (Think about not only now, but the summer and when college starts) "Whoever keeps a command will know no evil thing, and the wise heart will know the proper time and the just way." (Ecclesiastes 8:5, ESV)
How much time will you be spending with his parents?
How much time will you be spending with your mentoring couple?
How much time will you be spending in group settings?
How much time will you be spending on your own?
SPIRITUALLY " Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." (Psalm 1:1-2, ESV)
How is your relationship going to mature spiritually?
How are you going to hold each other accountable to your reading of scripture and prayer?
This contract can be renegotiated at a later date once both parents and your mentoring couple once they have been made aware of what aspect of the above contract you would like to renegotiate. This contract can also be amended to add or subtract things as you both or we as parents feel necessary. It is important to remember that this contract serves to hold you accountable and to keep you pure until your wedding day. Remember to always guard yourselves from sin and the appearance of sinning. Do not allow sin to surprise you and be aware of your emotions ("You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability." 2 Peter 3:17, ESV). Be self controlled (Titus 2:5 for her Titus 2:6 for him) in all you do and above all honor God in your relationship.
Boyfriend
Our Daughter
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