Life Without a Paper Route

I have to tell you the past few mornings have been glorious. I never thought 10-11 hours of sleep would be so enjoyable. In case you haven't noticed I am not the person that likes to be in bed for long periods of time. I feel like I am wasting time if I spend more than 8 hours asleep. The past few days though have been sorely needed. 10 months with only 4-5 hours of sleep a day....wow!

My last day on the route, Saturday, was great. A good friend of mine, Mike, came along to take in the glory of the day. We enjoyed going around the route knowing that at that time Sunday I would be sleeping. We talked about the times I would walk into church trying to find a person to sit in front of that I wouldn't want to see me doing "head bobs". Last week it was Dr. Barrick, an elder at our church. We talked about the days of throwing the newspaper that had a Cheerios's promo and all the boxes of Cheerios flew all over peoples driveways. I do believe that sometime this summer one of the people on my route will find a box or two in their garden. We also talked about life without this early morning fellowship time. As much as I am glad that it is over, I will miss it.

So now that I am wide awake what will become of "Paper Boy Diaries"? Well I think it will become a potpourri blog of all the things I enjoy and think are funny. It will range from my faith, my church and my God to what movies I like and funny things I see in the news. As scary as it might sound I'll let you into the abyss called my head....... somewhat...... not totally.

First non-paper route post to come soon.

Second To Last Day

Well one day to go on the ol’ paper route. I don’t know what emotion is the best to describe how I feel. I feel sadness because, I was able to use this time to listen to some people preach that I normally wouldn’t have time for. I was for the most part able to listen to about 3 sermons every morning while I delivered the papers. I was able to listen to one Emergent pastor speak on how the sin of homosexuality is no different than a person who has a weight problem eating a chocolate bar. Don’t worry I also listened to Piper, Johnny Mac, Francis Chan and Al Mohler. But, oh what fun I had at 2:45 am listening to Mark Driscoll. Secondly I feel great joy I do not have to get up at 2:00 am any more. No more worrying about papers that land on the roofs of cars. No more worrying about water getting into the plastic bag. No more worrying about if I’m going to kill a wayward kamikaze bunny. I also feel thankful. I am thankful not only that my paperboy days are completed, but that the Lord taught much about my possessions and having the proper perspective on the things I own. Every time I think that I need o have a better car, I need a better house or that I deserve more stuff for my house, I will always remember 2:00 am wake-ups. I will remember delivering papers and the sleep deprivation it caused. What a way to have a point driven home. Thank you Lord! I am also thankful for those people who prayed me through this time. Do you realize that in the 10 months that I was delivering papers and getting between 4-5 hours of sleep a day I didn’t come down with any major sicknesses? I had one ear infection at the beginning of the paper route, but nothing else. Due the prayers of many and the grace of my God I stayed healthy. Oh, what a blessing!

Most of all thank you to my family for enduring this time with me. Theirs was a sacrifice too. Their sacrifice was in that our normal routine was turned upside down for 10 months and they rolled right with it. They put up with my mood swings due to sleep deprivation. Thank you Suzi for being my co-pilot for the first couple of months. That was probably the most fun I have had with you in our marriage up to this point in our lives. Thank you to all my other co-pilots too. What fun it was delivering with my favorite stuntman Kevin and delivering with my good friend Mike. Thank you guys for the company and the fellowship I will never forget it. Well if I have the energy I will blog tomorrow about my last day, if not I will try to get it in sometime this weekend.

Yes I am Still Alive!

After nearly 10 months of delivering papers I am still alive. I have not killed any rabbits or creatures of the night. I will say though that the paper route is coming to an end. On May 26th much rejoicing will come out of the Santa Clarita Valley from my family and friends. Why on that day you might ask? Well that is the last day I throw papers. We have turned a significant financial corner and are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a rough 10 months and I appreciate all the encouragement I have received.

So you may ask what will become of Paperboy Diaries? Well after much debate I decided that I am going to post here every now and then about everything that I enjoy. That would be everything from religion to college football, from theological issues to funny stories I read on the Internet. I hope you enjoy it.

Do You Have a Faith Worth Owning?

So what do I mean when I say, "Do you have a faith worth owning?" What I mean is do you understand what it is that you believe?

So many times as we grow up we pick up beliefs and faiths that are our parents, our pastors or our good friends and we do not test them by the fire of scripture to see if they are true. So, am I telling you not to believe your parents, pastors and friends when it comes to religious beliefs? No, I am not. What I am asking you though is have you tested what you are calling your faith?

For example you may have grown up in a home where your parents, pastor or friends are full blown Calvinists. You are taught that, Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistable Grace and Perserverance of the Saints are the main tenants of our faith as Christians and that this is salvific in nature and that if you don't believe this you aren't saved. (Note: This is only an example and is not the topic of this blog. Maybe we will tackle that one later) Is that true? Is it true only because of who taught it to you? Is it true because the person who taught you was convincing in their argument? Or, is it true because you searched the Word of God and found it to be true?

So now look at what you believe and I do mean all you believe and be like the Bereans (Acts 17:11) and search the scriptures so that you might test it to be true. Have a faith worth owning! Have a faith that is worth defending when asked about it! Have a faith that You Know is true! Don't be afraid to ask questions of those older and more learned than you, but test their words against scripture. I exhort you to have a faith worth owning!

**This post was originally made on the Night Vision Blog

It's been a While!

Well It's b een a while since I last posted and it's primarily been due to sleep deprivation and not enough time in the day to work, make time for the family, do ministry and deliver papers. For those of you who might be wondering, yes I am still doing the route and yes the humor is still not there due to my lovely bride not delivering with me anymore. I will tell you this about the route though, I have cut the time it takes to do my route down quite a bit. Now you might be asking, "How did he do it?" The secret to my success lies with those wacky cheaters at NASCAR. Yes I have got my route so memorized that I literally use jet fuel in the Accord to get around. The only danger to all this is that I have almost been in two accidents since I switched fuels. The accidents almost happened because I can't keep track of all those rookie newspaper people and all those who chose to go the speed limit at 3:00 am. I may have to switch back to regular octane though because Lisa, our roommate and the owner of the Accord, says that it doesn't handle well around town on this fuel type. Suzi just says that it is not economical. I say whatever! I go faster and thusly the route is done faster. Anyways that's the update.

Just as a PS to the above note, I am also going to start posting some other blogs here that I write for another blog I am involved in. I hope you enjoy them. Please let me know what you think too.

Peace! Out!

It Finally Happened

Well for as long as I have been writing this blog I have been talking about the kamikaze rabbits that are on my route. Well this morning I believe I maimed one. The reason I say I maimed one instead of hitting one is because after I had circled around I did not see him. What happened was, I was driving down this one long stretch of driveway before I get to some condominiums and the stinkin’ rabbit ran under the car. Now this is a dangerous path for me and I have always though that if I was going to hit one it would be in this stretch of my route. Well as he, she, it ….. whatever, went under the car all I heard was, THUD! As I drove away I tried to look in the rear view mirror to see if there were rabbit guts all over the driveway, but it was much to dark to see anything. Now, the condominium complex I deliver to is a loop and I go out this same driveway to get back out to the street, so I figured I would look on my way out. Well on my way out there was no hint that I hit anything. As I drove my route I was trying to figure out what could have happened. I mean when the rabbit went under the car it was a pretty big, THUD!

So here are some explanations, I thought of, for what could have happened:

1) His, her, it’s …..whatever’s friends went out into the street and carried it back into the bushes. While in the bushes the medic rabbit attended to the one wounded in its kamikaze efforts.

2) The rabbit in question hit its head on the under belly of the car and gave itself a serious headache. This could be classified as a concussion, he may want to get it looked at.

3) The rabbit in question, being unsuccessful in its attempt to kamikaze itself into the car, went off into the bushes and committed Hari Kari to save face.

4) Lastly, I believe he was an instrument of the Lord to wake me up. Now normally I would say this jokingly, but this time due to the loud THUD! And the smell of burnt fur, hair, fuzz…..whatever, I stayed awake the rest of the way. Man I hope the smell goes away before Lisa drives the car again.

So, I still haven’t killed a rabbit, but I guess you could say that I used one as a speed bump. With Suzi’s love of animals I do believe I can still sleep in our bed tonight. Besides it was the rabbits fault.

A Few New Years Resolutions

This past year has been very interesting for me, especially the past 3-4 months. I would have never thought that I would have made it this long delivering papers at 3:00 am and then working a full shift at my day job. The Lord has greatly blessed me with the strength and stamina to take this challenge on. Along the way I have learned a few things that have inspired me to post the following resolutions. NOTE: These in no way are anything like Jonathon Edwards Resolutions and should not be mistaken for them. Any resemblance is purely coincidental.

1) Resolved – I am not a funny person without Suzi. I don’t know what it is, chalk it up to my ability to not do anything funny on the route or the fact that I am by myself and that I don’t recognize when I am being a knucklehead. So as a resolution I will try to get Suzi back out on the route a few more times. This will be a big challenge.

2) Resolved – I will not take on more than one route. Over the past week I helped out one of my fellow couriers by subbing in on his route. I normally deliver around 300 + papers on my own, but with his I was delivering well over 600 papers in the morning. When I delivered on Sunday I basically was handing his customers the paper. This was due to the fact that after I delivered my route and got into his route, his customers were waking up. So as a resolution I will deliver only my route for the remaining months I have doing this.

3) Resolved – When it comes to delivering papers on holiday’s such as the day after Thanksgiving and New Years I will paint my car black and white and see if I can get a red flashing light and siren. I figure the only way I am not going to get killed on those days would be to pose as a cop. Hey I have an even better idea, maybe Pecadillo will let me barrow his squad car one morning to deliver papers. Man that would be better than delivering the paper in my mother-in-laws convertible Lexus. So as a resolution I will avoid psycho women on their way to sales at insane hours in the morning and I will avoid drunks, who insist that haven’t drank anything while holding a bottle of some alcoholic beverage in their hand.

4) Resolved – To stay warm. Now if you live outside of So. Cal. I realize that 30 degrees is no big deal, but when you are racing up and down the residential streets and its 30……. Sometimes when I get home I feel like my eyebrows and my beard have icicles on them. Sometimes I get home and my hands, even though they are in gloves, are frozen. I don’t know what it is, but I rarely use the car heater. Maybe because I always grew up with my dad saying, “Are you trying to heat up the whole block? Close the door!” when I would have the house door open and the house heater on. I guess it’s the same concept. I feel like I am heating my whole route. So as a resolution I will turn on the car heater.

5) Resolved – Lastly, I pray that I would write at least once a week on this blog. This one we’ll have to see. This could become more challenging as I become more tired. So here’s to hoping.

I hope and pray that all of you out there in the blog-o-sphere will have a good year in 2007. I pray that through my pain and sleep deprivation I would bring a little humor into your life.

Christmas Day

I hope and pray that all of you had a blessed and safe Christmas. Mine was very good. It is always a good day in my house when we can open up the Word of God and read of His Grace, Love and Mercy.

This year was much different than past Christmas’s. Since I have a paper route I had to deliver it before any Christmas festivities could happen. I was fortunate to have the help of my daughter. It was a lot of fun to have her with me. I don’t get much father-daughter alone time with her so this was a cherished time for me. Before I start to tell you about the fun we had, just know this, she is her mother’s daughter. If you have been following this blog at all over the past month or so you will understand this comment. If you are new to this blog then do your heart some good and read some of the early blogs when Suzi was doing the route with me.

The route actually started earlier than normal because it was Christmas. For Christmas the papers are off the press by 8:30 pm, this meant we could deliver them anytime after that. It seemed kind of odd to me that you could deliver the Christmas paper on Christmas Eve, but I’m not one to complain about such petty things. I figured I would go in at about 10:30 pm and fold the papers and be done with my route around midnight. This was a special thing to me, because it meant that I could get 8 consecutive hours of sleep. On our way home from celebrating Christmas with my parents Corrine asked if she could go with me. As I contemplated my 8 consecutive hours of sleep, I thought about how much more time I would have with her. You see she is a junior in High School and will be off to college in a couple of years so I told her she could come. She was quite the trooper too; she came in a folded the papers as well as delivered them with me. Now up to now some of you might be thinking “enough of the sappy dad stuff. Where is the funny stuff? You said she was her mother’s daughter.” Well the funny stuff started once we left the warehouse. When we started she was trying to figure out how to throw the paper. No big deal I thought, just tell her it’s like throwing a Frisbee. Well after a couple of papers in the gutter (Note: when I drive I am almost on top of the gutter, so when you throw it in the gutter this constitutes a throw of about 6” to 1’ in distance) and a period of traveling at 2-4mph (Note: remember I like to drive like a NASCAR driver when I am delivering) I decided that a new course of action was needed. From here I started to show her by example. Things got much better until…..she threw the paper and didn’t let go of the bag. This was hilarious for three reasons. Reason one, the paper came out of the bag and went into a million directions. Newspaper all over the place! If that wasn’t bad enough (reason two) the customer was still up and saw the whole thing. I cleaned up every bit of flung paper out of their driveway under their careful watch and gave them a new one in tact. I do believe reason three though is the coup de grace. She then told me, once I got back into the car, that even though she had the plastic bag in her hand that she let go of the paper. She was truly puzzled and perplexed at the fact that when you hang on to the plastic bag the paper comes out all by itself. She then insisted that she let go of the bag. I tried to explain to her the simple physiological fact that when she let’s go of the bag it leaves. It does not stay in your hand. So for the remainder of the route she tried to justify what had happened. Now let me rewind a little so that I can preface the next funny thing that happened that night. When I go out most mornings it’s probably in the 30’s and the cold weather is such that I need to wear a beanie cap and gloves. You know 30 degrees at 15-20 mph can be pretty cold. Well this night it was probably in the upper 40’s so I saw no reason to wear my beanie or my gloves so I put them on the console between Corrine and I. OK now let’s get back to where I left off. Corrine and I were done for the night and had just pulled into the garage when I realized that I only had one glove in the car. I know I distinctly remember bring two in and even Corinne agreed. Well as she and I went through the car and the night we realized that she must have thrown it out of the car with one of the papers. I couldn’t believe it! She had thrown one of gloves with a newspaper. All I could think of was that I wished I would have known we were giving out presents while on the route, because I would have given that customer both gloves. I mean other the Michael Jackson everyone wears two gloves. What a way to end the night. Now back home at 1:00 am and being pretty much wide awake due to the thought of flying papers and someone picking up their paper and finding my glove with it, I had to slow myself down so that I could get maybe 6-7 consecutive hours of sleep. Well I enjoyed myself just the same and I would not trade it for anything.

Now stay tuned for more adventures with Corrine. This time I will be taking a few of her friends with me. That should be good enough to provide me with at least two blogs worth of material. See ya then!

Oops I Forgot One



I don't know how I could have forgot this one, but here ya go. Remember awhile back I was wondering where I would go to the bathroom if there was an emergency while I was on the route. Well I found this a well lit Andy Gump. No worries now! Y'all have a Merry Christmas!

Christmas Pics from my Route

(click on the pictures to get a larger image)

A while back I wrote about a Christmas treet in the midddle of a cul-de-sac adn how I almost hit it. Well this is the street and the tree taht is just beyond the car is the tree I almost hit.



A better look at the tree I almost hit. Looks kinda cool, but in the middle of the street! Man what will they think of next?



This pic has come Peanuts characters on the roof of one of the homes I deliver to.

All I can say is Ginormous electric bill. How would you like to be this guys neighbor? I can see it now..."Honey is it night time yet?" "Why yes hun' it is." "Then whats that glow?" "Ohhhh, that's just Bob's Christmas lights."



This one was actually quite cool. The fishing pole that the bear has really moved up and down. It was like he was really trying to catch fish in the lights on the lawn.



I had to put one deep theological pic in here. Santa kneeling in front of the manger. I believe you can find this in either the Gospel According to Judas or Thomas. I can't remember which one.




One of my streets even changed it's name to Reindeer Road.


Well that's all the pictures from my route or rather all the pics I choose to post. I hope and pray you all have a Merry Christmas and stay safe.

Christmas Cards

Well last Monday when I went into the warehouse to fold my papers, one of the paperboys said he had to talk to me. Man I was thinking I messed up or something. I was trying to think what I could have done to make another paperboy mad. Well it wasn’t anything like that. He told me that some of the veteran paperboys put Christmas cards in their Saturday papers. He told me that one year when he did this he received $1000 in cash and gift cards. There was one catch though, I had to say Happy Holiday’s instead of Merry Christmas. Now I’m not a closet Christian so this was kind of a dilemma, but after working this out with Suzi and not wanting to cast a bad shadow on my employer I realized that if I were to do this Happy Holiday’s was the way to go.

Well needless to say delusions of a $1000 in Christmas gifts seduced me into putting the cards in last Saturday’s paper. Well on Saturday while inserting the cards into my papers that same paperboy comes back and looks at my Christmas cards and compliments me on how good they look, but at the same time I can see that he is somewhat trying to appease me. So, I asked him “what was the matter, did I have a typo on my cards?” He said “no” and then proceeded to tell me that my computer generated cards on regular bond paper were to fancy. I guess my mistake was that I used color printing and I actually used graphics. He told me that I they should have been in black and white, with no graphics and that I should have made them look as poor as I could. To this paperboy if his customers believed that he needed the money they would be more giving. This concept was foreign to me. In fact I must confess the whole Christmas card thing felt kind of weird to me. I mean I sent out 335 Christmas cards to people I don’t even know and to top it off it was like I was saying “give me a Christmas gift or I’ll start throwing your paper in the gutter and on the roof”. That thought changed on Tuesday when I received a total of $40 from two customers. As of this morning I already had $100 in money and gift cards. Amazing! Man, I think I like this whole Christmas card thing. Hey do you thing I could get away with a Groundhog Day card?

Needing Tommy John Surgery

After the Holidays I am beginning to believe I am going to need Tommy John surgery. The newspapers appear and feel like they are getting much heavier. After Thanksgiving weekend I felt like I had thrown at least the equivalent of a ton in paper weight. My arm took the whole following week to recover. That was until the following Sunday when all the retailers decided to have 10 page inserts in the paper. Now this week almost every paper has had some type of newspaper insert. I kind of get the feeling that as we get closer to Christmas the paper size will go from big and heavy to massive and heavier. And don’t even remind me of the post Christmas sales. By the time this season is over my right arm will be twice the size of my left arm. If I were doing some type of weight training I would try to buy a European car that has the steering wheel on the right side of the car so that I could work my left arm a little more. So if you see me and I am leaning a little more to my right side it’s because the muscles in my right arm are getting disproportionately bigger than my left arm. Just this week though I had a thought, no an invention, for a newspaper boy, person, whatever. In order to combat this disproportionate arm problem I thought about creating some type of mechanical devise to attach to your car that throws the papers for you. So here’s what I came up with. This is cool, I ran it by my friend Shaycam and he thought this was cool too. I am going to take a skeet shooting sling and attach it to my car. Cool huh? I’d have to modify the carriage to hold a newspaper instead of a clay pigeon, but that’s a mere minor adjustment. The one thing I’m having a problem with though is the rate of speed that the sling produces. If I left the device the way it is it would put the paper either in their backyards or through their garages. Hey…..that might not be a bad idea though. Picture this as a selling, I mean delivering, point. You offer people the option of having the paper land directly on their table. You see you tell them that when they wake up in the morning the paper would already in the house. What’s that you say? What about the hole in the house? Minor details that I will have to work through. Inventors never think negatively, but then again I’ve never invented anything. So……….more than likely this will never come to fruition. It was just fun thinking of it though. I mean wouldn’t it be cool to have some type of throwing device like that? Well ok enough dreaming about what could be. It’s time to go to the gym to work out my left arm. You didn’t really expect me to be lopsided did you?

Tis’ the Season

I know I haven’t written in almost a month, but I went through a real tired spell. I don’t know about you, but when I get tired my creativity and drive goes. So let’s catch you up on some things that have happened over the past month. Up to Thanksgiving the route was fairly boring. You know the feeling, its 3:00 am, no one is out and about and you just keep throwing papers to the same houses day after day. But then Thanksgiving weekend came. Now I don’t know what it’s like where you are but here in the SCV it’s a game of “bigger and better” when it comes to Christmas lights and the ornamentation of the front yard. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I started to see Scissor Lifts and other lifts so that the people in the neighborhoods I deliver to could decorate their light standards and in a lot of cases they string lights across the streets. My wife and I do plan in the next few weeks to visit these streets at night when they are all lit so that I can take pictures to shop you what it looks like. So that day was a bit challenging from a driving stand point, but by Sunday most of the lights were up and the heavy equipment gone. I kinda felt like Charlie Brown in his Christmas special when he says “Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?” There is also a saying the Lucy makes in this cartoon that is fitting for these streets. She says “Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.”

Anyways……the day after Thanksgiving was fun. It was dodge the crazy people morning. It’s funny how people react to the sales that are out there. When Wal-Mart and Best Buy are having big sales people get up at the craziest hours. So at 3:00 am the streets looked like they do at 7:00 am with one exception. That exception is that half the people were half, or more, asleep and the other half though that since it was 3:00 am I must be the only one this crazy. Well WRONG! You almost killed the paperboy about a hundred times. These people were driving around so crazy that it reminded me of ……….well……….of me on every other morning when they’re not up. That was an experience that I would choose not to experience again.

The last thing I’ll tell you about is the Christmas tree I almost ran into. Yes I almost ran into a Christmas tree. No I did not fall asleep at the wheel and suddenly find myself in someone’s yard heading for their living room. The tree was in the middle of the street on a cul-de-sac. The Saturday after Thanksgiving I was doing my normal stuff…..you know…..singing Christmas songs along with the radio (thank goodness it’s just me at 3 am) looking at my route list and checking my papers when I looked up and wham-o there it was, a tree in the middle of the street. Boy I hit the brakes so hard and fortunately stopped short of it. Now I could just see explaining to my boss at the newspaper that I nailed someone’s Christmas tree and no it wasn’t in their house. How embarrassing would that be? Well I will get a picture of this for you to see to. My wife has informed me that this has become quite popular, so I guess I better watch for more trees popping up in the middle of the road all of a sudden.

I do know one thing though, and that is that I am very thankful that the Lord has watched over me in this time. I am thankful that He has sustained me and that if it were up to me I’d still be in bed. But the thing I am most thankful for right now is that my Bruins, by the grace of God (and believe me it was the grace of God), beat the Trojans. Nothing has made this time more joyous than watching all those USC fans wallow in the pain that my lowly Bruins killed their National Title chances.

Thoughts for the Day

This morning as I cruised around the SCV I was doing some thinking. The first thing I was thinking about came about as my stomach started to bother me a little bit and that is, “What do I do if I have to go to the bathroom?” This really is a dilemma because at 3:00 am in the SCV not much is open and that which is open does not offer public restrooms. I know some of you smart guys out there are thinking “What about a gas station?” Well where I deliver papers there isn’t much in the way of gas stations and the one that is up where I am doesn’t open until 6:00 am. Bummer! I also thought about the two markets up where I am and surprisingly enough they also open at 6:00 am. Drats! So what about a park, right? Wrong! Two parks and they attach to elementary schools and therefore they do not have public restrooms. I guess due to some really smart architects thinking they left the restrooms off because of the restrooms in the school. Well that’s fine and all, but they lock up the school. Smooth Move Slick! So now what?!? Drive home? NOT! I will have to make a friend on my route; you know hang out in the neighborhood, become friends with someone on the route and then ask them to leave a key under their mat so I can use their restroom in case of an emergency. The only part that makes this hard is the fact that I don’t get home from work until 7:00 pm. I know what I can do; I will take my kids up there and have them make friends…… no that won’t work. Well anyways I guess I’ll figure it out. Until then I guess the Depends will have to do.

The other thing I was thinking about was about Goofy. Is he a dog or a horse? No that was my dream last night, sorry. What was I thinking about? Oh yeah I remember it had to do with my sleep. I figured a way to convince myself that I am getting a good amount of sleep. Instead of thinking of it as 4 ½ hours at night and an hour here and there, I calculate it weekly. So now I see myself getting 42 hours of sleep a week. See that’s 6 hours a day. Funny how math works that way. So regardless of the fact that I get most of my sleep on Saturday and Sunday, it still looks good on paper. Boy I feel more awake already! Oh wait maybe that’s my Mountain Dew.

The Day After

Well driving around the morning after Halloween was truly an experience I will not soon forget. Pumpkins smashed everywhere, trash all throughout the streets and remnants of the previous night’s parties. I even saw three 5^th or 6^th Graders out playing in the middle of the street and yes it was 3:00 am. When I was driving around I felt like I was driving in an obstacle course. The last thing I wanted was pumpkin junk on Lisa’s car. So now we get to see how long it takes to take down the Halloween stuff. Is it like Christmas? You know the houses I’m talking about. The ones that come Easter they barely have animated figures put away and then by the 4^th of July all the lights might be down. And in case you are wondering, yes there are Halloween lights. Boy I’m glad that day is over with. Now I can down the dark streets on my route without the worry of being freaked out. Suzi will be happy, no more nightmares, phew. So now it’s on to Thanksgiving! And then Christmas! By the way……… 52 days until Christmas.

On the Wild Kingdom front…… (man do I wish I had sound on this blog. I’d want to insert that breaking news sound. You know the old ticker sound) I saw 2 big, no monster size raccoons this morning in someone’s garage. I scared them as the lights from the car hit them and they ran away. That was good for the person who’s garage was ravaged by these things, but bad for me. Why bad for me? Because they ran to the yard of the house I was going to. They ran half way up a tree in the front yard of a house that I had to put the paper on the porch of. Now up till now I had been afraid of fake witches and fake blood. Well I ran out of the car, threw the paper and ran back into the car. Man if one of those things would have so much as stuck it’s tongue (do raccoons have tongues?) out at me I think I would have wet my pants. That would have been bad! I can see trying to explain that one to Suzi. Even worse, what if those two ginormous animals would have attacked? I can see it now, “How were you hurt?”, “I was attacked by two raccoons while on my paper route”, (this would be where all the nurses break out in laughter) and then……“Sir, did you know you wet your pants?” Oh the humiliation! I do know this though, I would have to bribe Suzi so that the kids wouldn’t find out. And then there’s the blog, do you really think I would have said anything here? NOT!

Water Cooler Talk

The past few mornings have been quite funny at the warehouse. I have been able to hear some funny stories about the couriers and the things they do.Here are a few of them:

The first is about one of the current couriers and his quest for the perfect donut. Apparently one morning after he was done delivering his papers he had a hankering for a donut and wasn't familiar enough with the area he was in to know where a donut shop was. So, as he was driving home he saw a few police cars huddled together in a grocery market parking lot. He figured that if anyone was going to know where a good donut shop was they would. Well as the story goes he drove into the parking lot and drove up to the police officers, know remember it's around 3:00 am when he's doing this, and asked them where he could find a good donut shop that would be open at that time in the morning. Well this is where it get's pretty funny, and by the way I really felt for the guy because he was truly just looking for a good donut shop, the police officers came on over to his car and start questioning him about what he was doing up that early in the morning, how he got a couple of the dents in his car and finally they asked him if he had been drinking. He kept trying to tell them that he was really just looking for a donut shop and I guess this only aggrevated teh officers because he wasn't answering their questions. Well after getting the third degree he left still not knowing where a donut shop was. Poor guy!

The second story is about a guy that used to drive his route in a raised 4x4 pick up truck. You know the type, they're 9 feet in the air and the tires are as tall as you. The guys talking about this said he was spending almost half his check in gas, but that didn't stop him. Well one day he was doing his route with his five year old daughter when he hit a parked car. Well if you drive a car and you hit a car you know the point of contact, right? Even if you drive a regular truck you would know when you hit another vehicle, right? Well when you drive a raised 4x4 this is the way it goes. He hit the car as he was going backwards to turn down a street he had missed. He hits the car and then continues to go up it until he realized that his truck was all the way up on the cars roof. Now I was thinking this guy must either be deaf, because you think he would have heard the crunch of the car he ran over, or he was so into talking to his daughter that he clued out. Well when he realized what he had done and came off the car, the car he ran over looked like something out of a monster truck show. Well needless to say he lost his job and had to pay what the insurance wouldn't cover to fix the car. Ironically his wife was the one that had to fire him.

Well these provided lessons for me and here is what I learned. I learned that no matter how hungary I am do not ask the police for their favorite early morning breakfast stops, this may cause a delay in you getting home and you will still be hungary when you get home. I also learned that you pay attention when you are driving so that you don't squash someone's car. Now with that said if Lisa's Honda Accord (the vehicle our room mate let's us use one the paper route) squashes another car, that car would have to be a Tonka or Hot Wheels car. I am so glad for those who go ahead of me so that I don't have to be the object of the lesson.

Trick or Treat?

When I was a kid I remember going trick or treating with my brothers every year. I remember it being a time in which I walked through my neighborhood seeing people my family knew and going to the doors of people we would truly call neighbors. My costume was usually that of a super hero or when my parents really couldn’t afford costumes we were ghosts (a simple bed sheet goes a long way). Some of you right now are wondering what in the Wide World of Sports does this have to do with the paper route. Well in speeding around the SCV the past few mornings I’ve been able to see where Halloween has gone from those days of innocence. I want to add a caveat before I start though. My family chose’s not to participate in Halloween. We in no way condemn those who chose to do so, but we feel, as a family, it’s not something we need to participate in. So with that said, in my best Jackie Gleason voice, “and away we go!”

WARNINING! WARNING! TOM’S PERSONAL OPINION COMING! WARNING!

The past few days I have seen some of the most macabre things in the front of people’s houses. On the mild side, I’ve seen cemeteries in people’s front yards with hands reaching out of the ground. I’ve seen scary jack-o-lanterns, cute and funny jack-o-lanterns and even a 3’ tall Snoopy dressed up in his Halloween outfit trick or treating. The Snoopy stuff is funny and I really have no problem with that stuff because it harkens back to those innocent days of my childhood. It’s the blood splattered windows with decapitated heads that get me. The person that probably has this in their front window is probably the same person who faints at the sight of his own blood. The people that decorate their house with dead bodies, blood, scary life like mannequins and such are probably the same people that when they read the article about the serial killer in their morning paper more than likely curse society as being wretched. Tell me something why is acceptable one day out of the year to praise the sick side of our society? Why in the wake of several school shootings do we feel the need to praise decapitation and murder? I just don’t get it. The way I see it Halloween has almost reached the decorating achievements of Christmas. I see people with orange and purple lights all over their houses. I’ve seen strobe affect lights in people’s front yards. I have even seen a 6’ tall life like witch in one person’s front yard. The first time I saw this one it kind of freaked me out, because it is on a street that isn’t that well lit. The first thing you see as you come down the street is this 6’ tall shadow over a caldron. Nothing is scarier at 3:00 am than a 6’ shadow as your driving down the street. Well I’ll get off my soap box now.

On a funny, scary note, (I know, I know, after all that I’m going to say something funny scary?) I was delivering papers the other morning, like I’d be doing something else at 3:00 am, and one of my fabulous customers was out smoking a cigarette. So, I thought I would be nice and hand deliver the paper to her. Remember the word “her”. Also remember its 3:00 am and I have a beanie cap on and am sporting my best homeless look. As I get out of the car to hand her the paper she, no joking, turns and runs into the house. As she runs in I can hear her shaking hand locking the dead bolt and the other locks she had. Just what I wanted to do, scare one of my customers to near death at 3:00 am. I felt like yelling “Sorry! Just the paperboy here!”, but I think that I would have done that the neighbors would have had a lynching. So the rest of my route I was worried that at some point the sheriffs would come get me for scaring her or even worse she would complain to my employer. I told Suzi later that I was afraid that I would be calling her at 5:00 am to come bail me out of jail. Wow! Was that a scary moment. Hopefully that will never happen again.

Oh, Ooooo…The Radio, Oh, Ooooo…

This morning on the route I was experimenting with the radio to see if I could get in any music station that didn’t have a lot of commercials. Boy was this and experience! Normally I listen to CD’s or I‘ll listen to sports talk radio. Well I am beginning to get tired of sports talk radio due to the suggestive nature of the banter in between the sports updates. So, the first station I tried was the Christian station for Los Angeles and they had an infomercial. I came in on the middle of a conversation between two guys and this triple action liquid. A few minutes later, Libby from Tulsa called in and with her Okie accent she said, “I have had back pain and joint pains all my life. Can this help me?” One of the guys answered her with, “you mean to tell me I didn’t mention it’s ability to help with your back pain and with joint pain.” About this time I was screaming at the radio, “No Libby don’t do it! Don’t buy it!” After a few minutes of that realized there is a reason it’s on at 3:00 am and there is a reason that Libby from Tulsa is calling in. That reason would be summarized in PT Barnum’s quote, “A suckers born every minute”. Well after listening to that show I convinced that at 3:00 am two to three are born every minute and the mostly originate in the midwest and south. So after that display of a lack of discernment on my part I changed to another station where a gentleman was counseling another man about how divorce is not the answer. I found this interesting due to the fact that this was a secular station I was listening to. The host of the show told the man on the other side of the phone that he was asking the wrong question when it came to how do I go about getting a divorce and what are the grounds for divorce. The host to my amazement told this guy on the phone that the right question was, “did I give this marriage my all?” to which the man on the phone asked, “Do you think it’s wrong for me to beat my wife every now and then?” (I only wish I could make this stuff up). The host was greatly angered by this and then in a show of uncontrolled anger he proceeded to rail on this guy. My response you might ask, change the station. The next station was going to commercial and traffic update. Now my wheels started turning. What in the Wide World of Sports? Traffic!?!? At 3:15 am!?!? You’ve got to be kidding me! Well the traffic guy came on and said to my utter amazement, “thanks Larry, I’m over the 405 and it’s clear sailing all the way into Century City and I understand that the 5 is clear also.” “Wow”, I though to myself. No traffic at 3:15 am, I am sooooo surprised. NOT! So after hearing this I chose to do what any other rational person would do……… I put a CD in and finished my route. Well so much for the radio, but wait a minute maybe I can talk Suzi into XM radio. I’m sure she would agree that we need to pay $19.99 a month to get good music commercial free, especially when it’s for the paper route that I have for the purpose of paying off my debt. That seems rational to me. Think she’ll buy it? Me neither.

I Know Funny and …………

This morning as I cruised around the SCV delivering my papers I was thinking about what to blog about and I came to this conclusion, that without Suzi I am not a funny person. We are very much like Lucy and Ricky or Burns and Allen. So when I am without my Lucy I figured I would blog about the things I think of while I’m on my route. I know, I know, you are thinking “please no more Louis Armstrong”. Even though I cannot promise that I can tell you it will be all over the board. It may be religious, it may be whimsical or on rare occasions it may be funny. This will also help you to pray that something funny happens on Sundays when Suzi is with me. So here goes this new format of “The Paperboy Diaries”.

So this morning I was actually meditating on Matthew 28:19-20,"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." This passage seems to be used quite a bit when we send missionaries to the mission field, but I rarely hear it used in regards to the local body and the mission field that we have here at home. I just got to thinking about the word “disciple” and its meaning, “one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another”. I was just thinking about how most of Christians think that when they evangelize those they come into contact with, they think that the object is to get them to accept Christ as their Savior. Yes that is one of the aspects of evangelization, but if we are to equip them to, like the definition says, spread the doctrines (Gospel message) that we espouse then we must train them. That’s the part I think we often forget. It’s almost like we give them the Gospel message, the Lord in His Divine Grace saves them and then we feel like the work is done. NOT! The work has just begun! Look at verse 20 “teaching them to observe all that I commanded you”. We must teach them those things that we know to be true. If we are to be true missionaries to the world then we must help those around us in their Christian walk. We must help them get to a good church. We must help them to understand the implications of the Gospel message. We must come along side of them and disciple them. This is what the early church did. In today’s society of easy believism and the doctrine of tolerance we let people flounder in their faith, because we are afraid to infringe on “their” truth. We need to remember that there is only one truth and that is what we must teach those we bring to faith if Christ. That’s why verse 20 says “all that I commanded you”. We must, not if we feel like it, train those who are youthful in their faith the importance of daily meditation in the Word and the importance of hearing the Word taught. So, this morning I challenged myself to not only evangelize those around me, but to educate them and to disciple them too. Wow! What a glorious morning in the Lord! And to think all of that was going on in my head at 3:00am.

Throwing Papers with Louis Armstrong

On Sunday while delivering the papers with my wife, the radio played “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. I told Suzi that the last time that song came on I had this vision of myself throwing the papers to the lyrics of that song. At this point I must warn you we are going to a scary place, we are going inside of my head so that you can see the vision that came to me as I heard this song.

As Louis sang, “I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and you, And I think to myself what a wonderful world.” I was like delivering papers in Alaska or something because it was night time but the sun was out (I told you it was scary in here). Now this was like the perfect day too, because the birds were out chirping and then the next part of the song came, “I see skies of blue and clouds of white, The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night, And I think to myself what a wonderful world.” Now at this point it was like some corny 1940’s cartoon. As I’m throwing the papers, perfectly I might add, I’m looking at the clouds and just smiling. In retrospect I’m surprised the car isn’t driving itself and as I throw the paper with my right hand I put my left hand out so that one of those chirping birds can land on it. So now I come to the third stanza, “The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky, Are also on the faces of people going by, I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do, They're really saying I love you.” This is where my vision gets really weird because as I am throwing the newspaper I am shaking hands with my customers. Don’t ask me why at the same time I am shaking their hands I am throwing the paper because I don’t know. Personally if someone shook my hand and then proceeded to throw my paper instead of hand it to me I wouldn’t have a smile on my face. That’s another reason this is scary and now don’t forget they are shaking my hand and I’m throwing the paper and driving the car. So as we come to the final stanza “I hear babies crying, I watch them grow, They'll learn much more than I'll never know, And I think to myself what a wonderful world, Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.” At this point I am no longer in that corny cartoon, I’m in a musical. There are people dancing in the streets and throwing newspapers, and amazingly enough all the papers land exactly where they are supposed to. It was like some type of synchronized newspaper dance number. The only think missing was Fred Astaire and Danny Thomas. At this point the song ends and my vision fades to the reality that its pitch dark and I am still dodging bunnies. Well after that scary venture into my head I hope you understand why I believe my wife is the greatest and most understanding wife in the world.