You’re Grounded!!!

It is amazing how our bodies work. Our God is truly amazing in this regard. Some people can eat a ton and gain nothing and then you have me, I eat small portions and I have to run 5 miles just to keep from looking like Louie in “Remember the Titans”. God also made people that have brains that just retain everything they hear and that helps them in the areas of Aerospace Engineering and Nuclear Physics. Then there is me, my brain functions just well enough to keep me employed and out of trouble with my wife. We also can look at how the body reacts to sleep deprivation and how certain people get grumpy and yet others are able to function normally. Well this week sleep deprivation hit my wife and I. My wife would be the one that suffers from the symptom that is synonymous with a dwarf in Snow White. I tend to blow right through these things, although I will be looking to take a day off of my “day job” due my body running down (by the way it helps some that I am at work for 12 hours a day, for you see that’s 12 hours my mouth can’t get me in trouble with my wife). So I’m going to give you a peak into the “Ski” household to show you what happened this week. On Thursday morning I get up at my normal time, 2:45 am, to go fold papers thinking that this is a normal day. Well I get done folding the papers and go home to greet my normally cheerful and wide awake wife (that part would be stretching the truth a little. Suzi normally doesn’t wake up until about the middle of the route). Well this fine morning I get home to find no coffee, problem number one (major issue here), no lights on, problem number two, and she was still in bed, problem number three. So me being the kind, loving, highly compassionate, ever giving and humble husband ask here if she would like to sleep in. O.K. let’s timeout for a minute. This is where some husbands would say, “Tom are you insane? You know the answer to that question before you even ask it.” Well that’s how my feeble brain works at 3:30 am. So, she says “yes” (you really didn’t think she would say “no” did you?) and I go on my merry way delivering solo. Now let’s fast forward to Thursday night. I get off the Metrolink and we head to Sam’s Club for gas ($2.81/gal., what a bargain!) and she starts in with some questions that would beg unwise answers from me. For example (this isn’t the real question she asked as much as it is a type of question women ask that gets guys in trouble) “How does this dress make me look?” You see there really is no right answer to this question. If I say “It makes you look like the queen I think you are” she comes back with “Tom, be serious”. If I stutter, then I get “Thomas Patrick what is it?” If I don’t say the dress looks poorly on her, when that is the truth, I will normally have to pick myself up off the floor (just kidding my wife isn’t that violent. It’s more like I’m swallowing teeth. She is Italian you know. Seen the Godfather? Enough said.) So she asks one of those types of questions and after my lack of responding she tells me that I’m grumpy. Well my response in my best 9 year old voice was “No, you’re grumpy”. To her response was “No you’re grumpy”. Then I said, now remember my brain is pretty slow these days, “Well maybe you need to be grounded from the paper route tomorrow so that you can get over this tired feeling that is making you grumpy”. Smart Tom, Smart! Her response was “alright” without a second’s hesitation. So once again this morning I delivered alone. I can’t believe I feel for it. Grounding her, what was I thinking? That’s like grounding my son’s to playing Xbox all day. So, if you happen to remember pray for my thinking ability so that I make more wise decisions in regards to my fellow delivery person. You know what the worst part is, I missed having her. I missed having her because without her it’s hard to write these blogs. It’s the dynamic duo of Suzi and me that make up these funny stories. Suzi puts the fun in the word funny for me. Love ya babe! Hope to see you back soon!

Choose Your Career Path Wisely

When I started delivering papers I took this on as a second job. Now that I am doing it, I don’t think that this could ever be a career for me. Well that’s me and not some of the others that deliver to the Santa Clarita Valley. There is one guy that loves delivering papers so much that his license plate says “Paperboy1” on it. Now it may just be me, but that takes some commitment to the job. I would rank that with tattooing your girlfriends name on you arm, before knowing if you were going to marry her. I don’t know about you, but committing to “Mable” on my arm where everyone can see is either true commitment or a sheer lack of wisdom. So when you put that you are a paperboy on your car’s license plate for the world to see, man that’s commitment. Now you think this guy would know some type of paperboy etiquette (I know some of you are thinking “Paperboys have etiquette? I didn’t even know they knew how to spell it.”) or something, right? Well not this guy. I do believe that he thinks since everybody is asleep at 3:00 am that it’s ok to blast his rap music while delivering his papers. Now if I’m one of his customer’s or even if I just live next to one of his customers I do believe that MC “fill in the blank” on his car stereo would meet an ugly death. Now if that’s not bad enough, he also has monza tips on his car. Now if you do not know what these are then just think of a lowered Honda Civic or some other compact car that a kid would drive and think of that really loud sound that it makes. This exhaust system is very loud and at 3:00 am it would serve as your alarm clock every time he sped up. It is knowing all this that helps me to understand why, maybe, he has chosen this as his desired career path. Hopefully at some point I might be able to share my point of view with him. He probably won’t listen though. I mean if you were the professional delivery boy why would you listen to a novice temp like me. So just pray that I wouldn’t take my testimony and whack him over the head with it.

The Perils of Being a Paperboy

Now most of you might be thinking what kind of perilous situations can you get into at 3:30 am? Well just remember there is a whole culture that likes the dark, mainly party animals (not to be confused with the animals previously mentioned in this blog) that drink far to much and my fellow paperboys. On one Saturday morning on my way out to deliver there were these two real skeechy looking guys trying to flag me down. Now the upstanding Christian thing to do might have been to stop and see how I could help, but fearing for my beautiful brides’ life (and mine too!) I just went right on by. Now I know, I know, what kind of Christian are you? One that believes in not testing the Lord. There was also the time I was pulled over by a sheriff that thought I was pulling out of the Ford dealership instead of the Signal (the paper I deliver) warehouse. He came up to the window and just as he flashed his light into the backseat of the car he said “ Sir, can you explain to me why………oh, you’re a paperboy?” So we both chuckled as he realized that I was just doing my job. Another would be delivering papers to a guy that has three dentist chairs in his front yard. No joke, one of the people on our routes had three dentist chairs in his front yard. Suzi was trying to figure out what forms of torture he would perform while I insisted that they were set out on the curb for anyone that wanted a dentist chair in their living room could take one. One last one would be the when there are three paperboys all on the same cul-de-sac at the same time. It wouldn’t be so bad if we all weren’t trying to impress each other with our great paper throwing ability at high speeds. Now when this happens I just try to impress my wife by saying “Honey, I’m just going to pull over while these guys try not to kill themselves.” As I say this, my mind is saying “Come on! Get in the mix! You can do it better than them!” Thank goodness I have my wife with me; she keeps me from looking like an idiot. So if you think about it tonight pray for our safety and the safety of every other tired paperboy out there that is trying to set the land speed record while throwing the newspaper.

A Paperboy’s Pet Peeves

When I started delivering the newspaper a little over 5 weeks ago I would never have thought that Suzi and I would develop some type intolerance towards the customers we have and the different things they do. I mean how bad could it be, right? Well let’s take a look at an average morning with Tom and Suzi now, 5 weeks later. One of my pet peeves when I am folding the paper is when the plastic bag is full of static and it sticks together. This prevents me from being the new world record holder in the newspaper bagging arena, very annoying! The next would be the person who sets their alarm for 3:30 am and ignores it. Man I couldn’t imagine being their neighbor! Another one would be the way people park. For example people will park 4 cars in their driveway, thusly blocking any piece of concrete for the newspaper to land on. The nerve of these people, utilizing their whole driveway! The one that kills me is when a person parks at the end of a cul-de-sac nose into the curb so that I can’t swing all the way around the cul-de-sac. This normally happens at two houses on our route. The one guy that really kills me doesn’t even park his car in the driveway, he just blocks the street. How inconsiderate! Why doesn’t anyone think of the paperboy? Well enough ranting and raving. Please pray for patience for Suzi and I as we navigate the highways and byways of Santa Clarita at 3:30 am. What kind of testimony would we have if we exhibited road rage this early in the morning? So if you’re reading this and you get the newspaper, please think of your paperboy and his mental well being.

My day with a Stunt Man

Every now and then Suzi gets to sleep in and take a day off from the paper route. On those days, to my pleasant surprise we have had some young men who asked if they could join me. Yes folks I have a 2:15 am ministry to these young guys. They also minister to me by keeping me awake through conversation and the fun we have in delivering the paper. Well one of our friends Kevin is a stunt man and I have had the pleasure of his company twice now. Both times he has given me great enjoyment in his company. Well on both adventures he has done something that reminds me that he is a stunt man. (By the way have I mentioned that Kevin is a Stunt man?). Any ways back to the story. A week ago he went out with me and when we got to a house that needed it on the porch he got out and put it on the porch. Now I know it doesn’t sound really spectacular does it, well that’s because this part isn’t the amazing part, the next part is. When he went to get back in the car he did this thing over the roof of the Accord. I really don’t know how to describe it, because while I’m still just trying to wake up he’s doing these flip like things over the car. I guess the normal throwing of the paper was just a little to boring for him. He also kept telling me to go faster. So now let’s zoom ahead to this morning. Kevin and I are out and he does another thing. First he pegged the mirror with the newspaper. Now when Suzi hits the mirror it’s pretty tame and usually falls in the driveway, but when Kevin hit’s the mirror it moves the mirror and it falls in the street. So now that I’m looking at the rear tire he says back up and we’ll swoop in on it. So just to entertain him I do it. Now when I go forward he has the door wide open and grabs the paper and then throws it to the house that the paper was originally intended to go to. So now that I’m feeling like a stunt man second class I start to speed up. Needless to say I’m going down these residential streets at about 35-40 mph. So do you know what he says? He says “Go faster”. So I went a little faster and we wound up finishing the course, I mean route, in record time. Man that was stressful! The next time we go out I’m afraid that Kevin will want to drive and we will be sliding down the streets sideways or that while I’m driving he’ll want to stand on the roof and throw the paper. So please pray for my nerves and Kevin’s safety, because no matter how much I try to convince myself, I’m not a stunt man second class or third class for that matter.

My Wife the Naturalist

When I mention the Santa Clarita Valley most people would not think of the extensive wildlife we have. Some might think that if there were wildlife in the valley it would be up in the canyons like Bouquet, Sand or Placerita even. Well while most of the valley sleeps the animals our out in full force.
When my wife and I first started delivering the paper this was quite cool or as the Ardo twins would say “it’s sick”. We would see rabbits, raccoons, bats, hawks and an occasional coyote. It was like delivering newspapers in the old Lion Country Safari theme park. Well lets fast forward to today and the uniqueness of seeing the animals has worn off. Now the rabbits more seem like a target for me, Mario Andretti newspaper delivery guy. Now the rabbits seem to run everywhere except out of my way. When we first started the route all you would hear from our car is “how cute” and “Wow! Tom look at that!” Now all you hear is “Thomas your doing that on purpose”, referring to the fact that the rabbits are running into the cars path of travel. You will also hear something to the affect of “Thomas Patrick (my full formal name, once again not a good thing)your driving crazy” in reference to the fact that I am trying to avoid the rabbits. So knowing this you can only imagine how Suzi reacted to a hawk catching and eating a rabbit. She was really depressed from the fact that she could hear the rabbit dying. All she kept saying was “Stupid hawk, Stupid hawk”. All I could think of right then was Elton John singing Circle of Life from Lion King. I know, I know, way to go bonehead, way to show compassion in this difficult time for your wife. Well pray for me so that I won’t kill ant rabbits. I have a feeling that not only Suzi would be mad at me, but Lisa and Kevin might be a little upset at all the rabbit guts on the car.

Delivering Papers to the Glory of God?

As a Christian we are taught that we are to do all things to the glory of God (1 Cor.10:31). I live my life by this verse and you could probably say that it's my key verse when it comes to my job and ministry. So now as a paperboy how does "throwing newspapers to the glory of God" work? Well here's how I view it, I should give each customer more than what they expect from my delivering the paper. Here are some examples of what I mean: I shouldn't knowingly throw the newspaper in the wet grass and for that matter if the sprinklers are on I shouldn't throw it in the are getting wet either. I shouldn't throw the paper under someone's car. I should humbly accept that some people are very picky about where their paper goes (i.e. porch, high in the driveway or on the slope of the driveway). That is the goal.

Now here are some real life cases of reality. One time being a little bitter about having to stop the car and get out to put the newspaper high in someone's driveway I threw the paper a little to hard into a metal garage door. Well needless to say that person really didn't need a 4:30 am alarm clock I did the job for him. Another would be the time I threw the paper, and as if at that moment a gust of wind came up, my paper flew straight up in the air and fell right on the grass, the newly watered, very wet grass. So I have to now stop, go back and pick up the paper and manually move it to a nice dry spot on the driveway. Another bad one would be when my wife trying to hit a driveway by throwing the paper over the hood of our car landed it right on the hood of our car. Now there is no way that person will ever get his paper unless I get out and take it off the car. One last one would be when my wife and I were first starting the route we couldn't tell what addresses went to what houses, so to be on the safe side we would hit the three houses we though it could be. See this way two people who don't subscribe to the paper get a pleasant surprise and our customer is happy because he got his paper.

So as you can see being a Christian paperboy can create a lot of stop and go delivering if you are like me. Someday I hope to master my route and hit every driveway perfectly. Well maybe in heaven.....do we deliver the newspaper in heaven?

Delivering in Style

For the past few days Suzi and I have had the privilege of using our house guests (Lisa) car to deliver the paper. We started out using our Saturn, a manual transmission, and after talking to her fiancee (Kevin) for a while he asked us if we would like to use Lisa's car because it was an automatic transmission. Now I don't know if my whining clued him in to my general dislike of delivering in a stick or if it was that my calf on my clutch leg was looking abnormally larger than the calf on my other leg. When it was all said and done we agreed to use Lisa's car. Now this is a sweet ride. It has leather interior and the seats are super comfortable, not really a good thing when your tired to begin with. It is a fully loaded Accord, perfectly sized for a couple hundred newspapers and my wife and I. Now this is pretty plush compared to some of the cars we have seen other paperboys drive. Suzi and I have seen some cars that would make you question the stability and safety of the vehicle being driven. Sounds great right? Well I thought so until one morning while I was in folding papers this young lady comes in driving a BMW. Now I don't mean a 1980's beater BMW, I mean a 2005 or 2006 535i type BMW. So I think to myself she must be one of the "honchos". Wrong! She gets her papers and starts folding them and puts them into her car. Now there is a change, a yuppie from the Santa Clarita Valley driving her pristine luxury car to do some work that us Saturn driving people do. Now if that weren't enough she also comes in wearing Ralph Lauren sweats and already has her make-up on. We must pause here for a moment so that I can remind you of the time. IT'S 2:45 AM, YOU KNOW IN THE MORNING! This young lady comes in like she is heading downtown as an attorney or something. Amazing!

So needless to say I feel like I have inferior equipment to do my job, (Lisa I really don't, this part is all made up. Suzi and I love the car.) therefore maybe, just maybe my in-laws will let me barrow their convertible Lexus to deliver the paper. Do you think that will happen? Yeah I don't either, but once again here's to hoping.

Ready, Aim, Fire!!

As my wife and I were going through our route one day I was feeling a little cocky and felt like I was getting to the big time. I felt I had most of my route memorized. Just then God decided to show me that I am not the Paperboy of the month. So, I started to pick up some speed and required my wife to pick up the tempo in her throwing. O.K. now, here we pause for a minute to make a point. When I deliver papers with my wife it is all about accuracy and making sure that the right people get the paper. The few times I have gone out with guy friends of mine it'’s all about time (how fast can we go and how fast can we get done). It'’s amazing how fast you can go down a residential street at 4 am, but I digress. Back to the story, I am feeling good about myself and then I sped right by one of our houses and as I do my expert paper throwing wife tries to hit the driveway. As she is doing this she is saying my name in it'’s formal tense (Thomas!!!), which by the way is never a good thing.

I realized two things at this moment. First my wife is an excellent multi-tasker. She had the ability to throw that paper accurately and chastise me at the same time. Secondly, I wasn'’t ready for the big leagues yet. I am not yet ready to compete on NASCAR'’s paper route circuit. It was back to 5 miles per hour and making sure that I truly memorize my route. I guess the Los Angeles Times will have to wait.

At the same time my wife prides herself on trying to get our paper on top of the competitor'’s paper. So it makes laugh the hardest in the morning when she throws the paper from inside the car and hits the window frame on the car or just pegs the passenger side mirror. I truly try not to laugh, but when you are up this early sometimes you can'’t stop yourself, in fact in my case I can'’t ever stop myself.

Well maybe we'’ll get better as time goes.......more than likely not, but here'’s to hoping.

My Time as a Dispenser of Information a.k.a. a Paperboy

A month ago my wife and I decided that we needed some additional income. Now I am not unemployed, I have a job that requires 40-50 hours a week from me. My wife by no means is sitting at home doing nothing either. She is a mother of 3 children and runs a very efficient household, bus service and she coordinates our family’s weekly events. Our job as “paper-people” is for a time and we thought we would share our time with you.

My day starts at 2:45 am and ends at 10 pm. At 2:45 am I leave our apartment and go fold papers. At 3:30 am I come home and pick up my wife. From 3:30 am to 5:15 am we are out and about in our valley delivering the local newspaper. When we get home neither my wife nor I go back to bed. I get ready for work and she gets the kids ready for school. As our day proceeds, my wife will try to take a nap every now and then and I attempt to make it through the day until our eldest son goes to bed.

This blog will be about our early morning adventures. They are truly funny, at least to us (probably because we are tired) and I hope you enjoy the diary as we move through the upcoming year.